Conan O’Brien remarks at 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner (C-SPAN)

Conan O’Brien remarks at 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner (C-SPAN)


WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, MR. CONAN O’BRIEN. [APPLAUSE]>>THANK
YOU. THANK YOU. PLEASE REMAIN SEATED. THAT IS NOT NECESSARY.
[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] THANK YOU, DON’T STAND, THAT WOULDN’T BE
RIGHT. GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT, MRS. OBAMA,
DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF THE PRESS AND BON JOVI. [LAUGHTER]
YES, IT IS AN HONOR TO SHARE THE STAGE WITH THE PRESIDENT. WHEN
YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HE AND I ARE A LOT ALIKE. WE BOTH WENT TO
HARVARD, WE BOTH HAVE TWO CHILDREN AND WE BOTH OLD — TOLD JOE
BIDEN WE DID NOT HAVE EXTRA TICKETS FOR TONIGHT EVENT.
[LAUGHTER] WE ALSO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON, I TOO
RECENTLY GOT IN TROUBLE FOR TALKING ABOUT A PUBLIC OFFICIAL’S
GOOD LOOKS. IT WAS WHEN I WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THAT STONE
COLD FOX, SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION RAY LAHOOD. OH, MAN. I
LIKE THE CUT OF HIS JIB. [LAUGHTER] PRESIDENT OBAMA, YOU HAD
SOME GREAT JOKES. IT WAS A PLEASURE WATCHING YOU STAND HERE AND
DO WHAT I DO. NOW IT IS ONLY FAIR THAT I GET TO DO WHAT YOU DO.
THAT IS RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES I
WILL BE MIRED IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL STANDOFF WITH CONGRESS. THIS
IS GOING TO BE FUN. [LAUGHTER] I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY
CONGRATULATE THE PRESIDENT ON HIS REELECTION. CONGRATULATIONS.
[APPLAUSE] AS YOU ALL KNOW, HE IS HARD AT WORK READING JOBS.
SINCE HE WAS FIRST SELECTED, THE NUMBER OF POPES HAS DOUBLED.
[LAUGHTER] AND THE NUMBER OF TONIGHT SHOW HOSTS HAS TRIPLED.
CONGRATULATIONS. [LAUGHTER] WHILE I’M AT IT, I WOULD LIKE TO
CONGRATULATE PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH ON BIG DEDICATION OF HIS
PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY. YES, THE LIBRARY HAS MILLIONS OF BOOKS,
ARTICLES, AND DOCUMENTS AND IF YOU GO, YOU CAN BE THE FIRST TO
READ THEM. [LAUGHTER] YOU CAN’T HURT ME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
LET’S GET GOING. RIGHT HERE AT THE START I AM GOING TO SHARE
SOMETHING WITH YOU PEOPLE AND IT DOES NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM. I
SAY THIS WITH ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE, BECAUSE WE ARE ON C- SPAN.
[LAUGHTER] WHO DOESN’T LOVE C-SPAN, SERIOUSLY? C-SPAN. AN
ENTIRE CHANNEL SHOT THE BACKUP CAMERA ON A FORD EXPLORER.
CONGRATULATIONS TO C-SPAN FOR WINNING THE BID TO BROADCAST THIS
EVENT. THEY BEAT OUT HD TV TWO, TVC SOUTH AMERICA AND THE
HILTON HOTEL HOW TO CHECK OUT CHANNEL. [LAUGHTER] THAT IS
RIGHT, THE HILTON. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE AT THE HILTON. IS IT
JUST ME OR IS IT TIME TO STOP USING PRICELINE TO BOOK THIS
EVENT CAP.? I LOVE THE HILTON. I LOVE THEIR MOTTO, SORRY THE
RADISSON WAS BOOKED. I WAS WORRIED THAT BECAUSE OF THE
SEQUESTER WE WOULD BE FORCED TO HOLD THIS EVENT AT A LESS
PRESTIGIOUS HOTEL THEN THE DC HILTON. THEN I WAS TOLD THAT WAS
NOT POSSIBLE. [LAUGHTER] I DO WANT TO THANK THE HILTON FOR
ACCOMMODATING US. THEY WERE KIND ENOUGH TO RESCHEDULE A CASH
FOR GOLD SEMINAR. [LAUGHTER] BY THE WAY, FOR THOSE OF YOU HERE
FOR THE CASH FOR GOLD SEMINAR, THAT HAS BEEN MOVED TO SALON BE
ON THE MEZZANINE. AND IF JOE BIDEN ASKS, THERE ARE NO EXTRA
TICKETS FOR THAT, EITHER. QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT, BEFORE WE REALLY
GET GOING, BEFORE WE CONTINUE, IF ANY OF YOU ARE LIVE TWEETING
THIS EVENT, PLEASE USE THE #INCAPABLE OFLIVINGINTHEMOMENT.
[LAUGHTER] YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. ALSO, TO ANY U.S. SENATORS HERE
TONIGHT, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SWITCH YOUR DESSERT OR YOUR
POSITION ON GAY MARRIAGE, PLEASE SIGNAL A WAITER. [LAUGHTER]
SPEAKING OF DINNER, TONIGHT ENTREES OR HOW ABOUT AND FILET
MIGNON — HALIBUT, AND FILET MIGNON. OR AS CNN REPORTED,
LASAGNA AND COUSCOUS. [LAUGHTER] THERE IS A GAVEL HERE, AND I
DON’T KNOW WHY. [GAVEL POUNDS] HERE IS A FUN FACT ABOUT
TONIGHT’S FOOD, EVERYTHING YOU IT WAS PERSONALLY SHOCKED BY
WAYNE LAPIERRE. — SHOT BY WAYNE MOTT THE AIR. DON’T WORRY IT
WAS DURING A HOME INVASION. THE FISH CAME IN THROUGH THE
WINDOW. IT WASN’T PEPPERCORN, IT WAS BUCKSHOT. INCIDENTALLY,
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT WAYNE LAPIERRE IS MERELY THE
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE NRA. WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION,
HOW FREAKING CRAZY DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BE THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT
OF THE NRA? [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] HE IS NOT EVEN AT THE TOP.
[LAUGHTER] I WOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT EARLIER THIS
EVENING THERE WAS SOME CONFUSION WITH THE SEATING CHART. FOR A
MOMENT, SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY SAT GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE WITH
THE REPUBLICANS. THAT WAS AWKWARD, AND I APOLOGIZE. VERY
AWKWARD. SPEAKING OF TABLES, BEFORE DINNER, I HAD A CHANCE TO
MINGLE, YOU PROBABLY SAW ME. I WORKED THE CROWD, SHOOK SOME
HANDS AND SOLD MY TWITTER ACCOUNT TO AL JAZEERA FOR $500
MILLION. THEY WILL BUY ANYTHING. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE
HER AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER. LAST YEAR, TOM
BROKAW CRITICIZED THIS EVENT FOR HAVING TOO MANY SUPERSTARS AND
A-LIST CELEBRITIES. WHEN I TOLD HIM I WOULD BE ATTENDING THIS
YEAR, HE SAID, THAT IS MORE LIKE IT. [LAUGHTER] THAT SHOULD NOT
BE FUNNY TO YOU. BUT THIS IS REALLY A STAR- STUDDED EVENT.
THIS YEAR, YOU HAVE TAKEN IT TO NEW HEIGHTS. I HAVE TO
CONGRATULATE YOU. IT’S. YOU HAVE SOME OF THE GUY FROM DUCT
MINUS TO HEAR. — DUCK DYNASTY. WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING,
THE GUYS FROM STORAGE WARS SAID NO. I LOVE DUCK DYNASTY, DON’T
GET ME WRONG. I REALLY DON’T THINK THE WHISTLE — ALL MY GOD,
IT WORKS. HE IS HERE. I ALWAYS HATED THAT ONE. AS SOME OF YOU
KNOW, THIS IS MY SECOND TIME SPEAKING AT THIS EVENT. I WAS 18
YEARS AGO IN 1995, A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE THEN. TODAY YOU CAN
GET REAL-TIME INFORMATION ON WORLD EVENTS FROM SOMETHING SMALL
ENOUGH TO FIT IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND. BACK IN 1995, WE CALLED
THAT GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS. [LAUGHTER] I CAN SEE IF GEORGE IS
HERE BECAUSE THERE IS A CROUTON IN THE WAY. [LAUGHTER] IT IS
AMAZING TO THINK HOW MUCH OUR COUNTRY HAS CHANGED IN 18 YEARS.
THINK ABOUT IT. IF IN 1995 HE TOLD ME THAT IN 2013, WE WOULD
HAVE AN AFRICAN- AMERICAN PRESIDENT WITH A MIDDLE NAME HUSSEIN,
WHO WAS JUST REELECTED TO A SECOND TERM IN A SLUGGISH ECONOMY,
I WOULD HAVE SAID, OH, YOU MUST HAVE RUN AGAINST MITT ROMNEY.
[LAUGHTER] BY THE WAY, NO OFFENSE, I DO CONGRATULATE YOU ON
YOUR VICTORY, BUT AS A LATE-NIGHT COMEDIAN, I WAS KIND OF
PULLING FOR THE RICH GUY WHO’S OR STANSTED THE OLYMPICS. —
WHOSE HORSE DANCED IN THE OLYMPICS. [LAUGHTER] THE DEMOGRAPHICS
OF THIS COUNTRY HAVE BEEN RAPIDLY CHANGING OVER THE PAST TWO
DECADES. I LOOK FORWARD TO HOSTING THIS EVENT 18 YEARS FROM
NOW. THEN, MY OPENING LINE WILL BE, [SPEAKING SPANISH] SI.
ESPECIALMENTE, PRESIDENTE MARIO LOPEZ. MY PRIOR EXPERIENCE HAS
TAUGHT ME HOW THESE DINNERS WORK. IF THE PRESIDENT LAUGHS,
EVERYONE LAUGHS. IF THE FOX NEWS TABLE LAUGHS, A LITTLE GIRL
JUST FELL OFF HER BIKE. [LAUGHTER] HOW ARE YOU DOING, BILL?
I’LL BE WASHINGTON NEWS MEDIATOR TONIGHT, INCLUDING THE STARS
OF ONLINE JOURNALISM. I DID THE HUFFINGTON POST HAS A TABLE.
WHICH HAS ME WONDERING, IF YOU ARE HERE, WHO IS COVERING MILEY
CYRUS’S LATEST NIP SLIP? WHO IS ASSEMBLING TODAY’S TOP 25
YOGURT RELATED TWEETS? [LAUGHTER] JUST BEFORE DINNER, I TRIED
TO SAY HELLO TO EVERY ON HUFFINGTON, BUT SHE MADE ME WATCH A
32ND AD FIRST. — 30-SECOND AD FIRST. [LAUGHTER] A LOT OF
ONLINE STARS IN THE ROOM, BUT UNFORTUNATELY NOT JUDGE COULDN’T
MAKE IT. HE HAD A PRIOR COMMITMENT TO TEACH A WEB DESIGN CLASS
IN 1997. THE WASHINGTON PRINT MEDIA IS ALSO JOINING US THIS
EVENING. THE PRINT MEDIA ARE HERE FOR TWO VERY GOOD REASONS.
FOOD AND SHELTER. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY PRINT
MEDIA IS DYING, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE IT. NEITHER DOES MY
BLACKSMITH. [LAUGHTER] YOU HAVE GOT TO MEET ZACHARIAH, HE IS
GREAT. NEWSWEEK, WHICH AFTER 80 YEARS PUBLISHED ITS LAST PRINT
ISSUE. TIME MAGAZINE MIGHT BE GLOATING, BUT THEY REALLY
SHOULDN’T, BECAUSE TIME WILL OUTLIVE NEWSWEEK A WAY JULIETT
OUTLIVED ROMEO. READ THE PLAY, IT IS VERY SMART. [LAUGHTER]
THINGS ARE SO TOUGH FOR MEDIA, REUTERS IS HAVING ITS AFTER
PARTY RIGHT HERE AT THE HILTON. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS WE ARE
HAVING A GREAT HERE LIKE HAVING YOUR AFTER PARTY AT THE SAME
TABLE WHERE YOU JUST HAD DINNER. [LAUGHTER] WITH THAT IN MIND,
REUTERS IS ASKING EVERYONE HERE TO LEAVE A LITTLE WINE AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE GLASS. [LAUGHTER] TO BE FAIR, PRINT MEDIA STILL
HAS A BIG STAR IN BOB WOODWARD. GOT TO GIVE IT UP FOR BOB
WOODWARD. [APPLAUSE] EARLIER THIS EVENING, A WAITER ASKED HIM
IF HE WANTED REGULAR OR DECAF AND HE SAID, THREATENING ME. —
STOP THREATENING ME! SOME BIG NAMES IN TELEVISION NEWS. WHEN
IT COMES TO TELEVISION NEWS, WE HAVE A DIVIDED LANDSCAPE. FOX
NEWS IS WATCHED BY CONSERVATIVES, MSNBC WATCHED BY LIBERALS AND
CNN IS WATCHED BY PEOPLE WHO CLEAN THE OFFICES AT CNN.
[LAUGHTER] [OOHS] OH, IT GETS WORST. CNN’S RATINGS ARE SO LOW,
WHEN IT COMES UP, JAMES EARL JONES SAYS, YOU ARE WATCHING CNN?
WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE TO SAY, IN THE PAST TWO YEARS, CNN HAS
MADE SOME ODD MOVES. IT REPLACED THE — POPULAR LARRY KING WITH
ONE OF THE FOOTMAN FROM “DOWNTON ABBEY.” IT IS GOOD TO SEE MY
OLD FRIENDS AT MSNBC. CHRIS MATTHEWS IS HERE. CHRIS MATTHEWS
HAS THE ONLY SHOW WHERE THE COMMERCIAL EXISTS JUST SO THEY CAN
WIPE THE SPITTLE OFF THE LENS. [LAUGHTER] DURING THE BOSTON
COVERAGE ON MSNBC LAST WEEK, CHUCK TODD STOPPED A PUNDIT FROM
SPECULATING ON ON FIRE SIDE — UNVERIFIED INFORMATION. THERE IS
NO JOKE HERE. I’M JUST LETTING THE PEOPLE AT CNN KNOW THAT YOU
CAN DO THAT. [LAUGHTER] THIS IS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. FOX NEWS
STAR BILL O’REILLY, HE HAS BECOME QUITE THE AUTHOR. TWO RECENT
BESTSELLERS, ” KILLING KENNEDY” AND “KILLING LINCOLN.” BILL
O’REILLY IS NOW WORKING ON HIS NEXT BOOK, DUE OUT THIS FALL,
THIS TIME ABOUT THE KILLING OF JESUS. IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME
IN HISTORY THAT HIS DEATH IS BLAMED ON OBAMACARE. [LAUGHTER]
TWO QUICK SHOUT OUTS TO PBS AND NPR. PBS — YES! [APPLAUSE]
THOSE PEOPLE LOVE TO PARTY. BE SAFE, WHERE A TOTE BAG. IT
WORKS. YOU HAVE GOT TO LOVE NPR. STILL THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE
FOR NEWS DELIVERED AS IF THERE IS A TODDLER SLEEPING IN THE
NEXT ROOM. [LAUGHTER] SHH! NBC NEWS IS IN THE HOUSE. THEY HAVE
HAD A ROUGH GO OF IT. THE TODAY SHOW LET GO OF INQUIRY. AFTER
BEING TOLD THAT AN CURRY SAID, HOW BROKER TELLS THE WORLD THAT
HE CRAFTED ANSWER THE WHITE HOUSE AND I AM GETTING FIRED? AL IS
THE REASON THERE ARE NO MORE CHORES OF THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY’RE
STILL HOSING DOWN. [CROWD OOHS] BRIAN WILLIAMS IS HERE. I AM A
BIG FAN OF YOUR SHOW. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT, IMAGINE BRAND
DELIVERING THE EVENING NEWS ON A DIFFERENT FLOOR OF THE
BUILDING, A LITTLE LATER, WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TYPE. IT IS
A MIND BLOWER. CHECK IT OUT. AS I LOOK ALL AROUND THE ROOM, I
REALIZE THIS IS ONE BIG HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA. THAT IS ALL IT
IS. THINK ABOUT IT. FOX IS THE JOCKS. MSNBC IS THE NERDS.
LOGGERS ARE THE COSTS — BLOGGERS ARE THE GOTHS. NPR IS THE
TABLE FOR KIDS WITH PEANUT ALLERGIES. [LAUGHTER] AL JAZEERA IS
THE WEIRD FOREIGN- EXCHANGE STUDENT NOBODY TALKS TO. AND MEDIA,
YOU ARE THE POOR KID WHO DIED SOPHOMORE YEAR IN A CAR CRASH.
[LAUGHTER] CHEER UP, WE DEDICATE THE YEARBOOK TO YOU. OF
COURSE, THE BIGGEST OR THAT PEOPLE COVERED THIS PAST YEAR WAS
THE REPUBLICANS FAILURE TO REPACK — RECAPTURE THE WHITE HOUSE.
HARDLY FIT IN FAIR — HARD TO BELIEVE THEY DID NOT FARE BETTER
WITH THIS PORT OF CELEBRITIES LIKE TED NUGENT AND MEET HOUSE.
— MEATLOAF. THEY UNDERESTIMATED THE NUMBER OF VOTERS WHO STILL
DRIVE CARPETED VANS. [LAUGHTER] THE REPUBLICAN PARTY’S ON THE
MEND. ONE RISING STAR ON THE RIGHT IS SENATOR MARCO RUBIO. OR
AS HE IS KNOWN IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, OUR BLACK GUY.
[LAUGHTER] AS OF TODAY COME IN THE U.S. SENATE HAS A NUMBER OF
AFRICAN- AMERICAN SENATORS. TWO. TWO. IN OTHER WORDS, THERE ARE
NOW MORE AFRICAN-AMERICANS IN THE SENATE AND IN A MUMFORD AND
SONS CONCERT. THANK YOU, YOUNGER PEOPLE. PAUL RYAN — I DON’T
UNDERSTAND! WHAT’S HE BABBLING ABOUT? [LAUGHTER] WHO IS THIS
MAN? PAUL RYAN RECENTLY — HE REALLY BURST THROUGH WHEN HE RAN
FOR VICE PRESIDENT. AFTER THE ELECTION, HE SAID PRESIDENT OBAMA
WAS REELECTED BECAUSE OF THE HIGH TURNOUT OF URBAN VOTERS.
WHEN HE WAS ASKED HOW HE LIKED HIS COFFEE HE SAID, NO MILK, NO
SUGAR, JUST URBAN. [LAUGHTER] THERE IS RNC CHAIRMAN WRITES
PREVIOUS — REINCE PRIEBUS. TONIGHT HE IS SITTING BETWEEN HIS
BROTHERS LATHER AND REPEAT. [LAUGHTER] HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER
ERIC CANTOR IS HERE. OR ACOLYTE REFERRED TO HIM, YET ANOTHER
JEWISH REPUBLICAN FROM THE SELF — OR AS I LIKE TO REFER TO
HIM, YET ANOTHER JEWISH REPUBLICAN FROM THE SOUTH. ALSO JOINING
US, A CONDIMENT FROM NEW YORK NAMED STEVE ISRAEL. HE IS FROM
NEW YORK AND HIS NAME IS ISRAEL. THERE IS PANDERING, AND THEN
THERE IS PANDERING. THAT IS LIKE HAVING A CONGRESSMAN FROM
SOUTH CAROLINA NAMED JESUS H GONE TO — JESUS H. GUN.
[LAUGHTER] YOU’VE GOT TO USE THIS THING, IT IS FANTASTIC.
[GAVEL POUNDS] I MENTIONED CHRIS CHRISTIE EARLIER, GOVERNOR
CHRISTIE AND SHAQUILLE O’NEAL ARE SITTING AT THE SAME DINNER
TABLE. LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR THE REAL UNSUNG HERO TONIGHT, THEIR
WAITER. [LAUGHTER] THAT POOR BASTARD. GOING TO LOSE AN ARM
WILL. — AN ARM. AND WE HAVE ONE OR TWO SUPREME COURT JUSTICES.
THEY SEEM DIVIDED OVER SAME-SEX MARRIAGE. THE LIBERAL JUSTICES
FAVORITE WHILE THE CONSERVATIVES OPPOSE ANY LIFE LONG UNION
BETWEEN TWO MEN, UNLESS IT IS ANTONIN SCALIA AND CLARENCE
THOMAS. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER IS NOT
HERE TONIGHT. SPEAKER BANNER AND PRESIDENT OBAMA ARE STILL
STRUGGLING TO GET ALONG. PRESIDENT OBAMA AND JOHN BOEHNER, KIND
OF LIKE A BLIND DATE BETWEEN ANDERSON COOPER AND RACHEL MADDOW.
IN THEORY, THEY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER’S POSITION, BUT DEEP
DOWN, YOU KNOW NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN. [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] [GAVEL POUNDS] SPEAKING OF NOTHING HAPPENING, WE ARE
ALL HOPING FOR NOTHING TO HAPPEN WITH NORTH KOREA. THAT GOT ME
WONDERING, WHAT IS WITH KIM JONG-UN? IN THE PAST, WE HAVE HAD
REALLY SCARY ENEMIES LIKE SADDAM HUSSAIN AND HITLER. NOW,
SUDDENLY OUR NEMESIS IS A POUTY TEENAGE BOY WHO DRESSES LIKE
ROSIE O’DONNELL AT THE EMMYS. KIM JONG-UN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND
THAT WE AREN’T AFRAID OF HIM. WHAT THAT GUY DOESN’T GET IS
THAT WE ALREADY HAVE AN UNSTABLE PENINSULA THAT WILL ULTIMATELY
BRING DOWN AMERICA. IT IS CALLED FLORIDA. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
YES IT IS. YES, PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS A LOT ON HIS PLATE RIGHT
NOW. HE IS AT THE VERY NICE STAGE WHERE THERE ARE NO MORE
SECRETS LEFT TO COME OUT ABOUT HIM. WE ALL KNOW THAT HE LIVED
IN INDONESIA AS A CHILD, STUDIED AT A MUSLIM SEMINARY AND
OCCASIONALLY A DOG. — ATE DOG. FROM THE BEGINNING, A KID WHO
HAD HIS EYES SET ON THE U.S. PRESIDENCY. [LAUGHTER] CHECK HIM A
CHECK, AND CHECK. HERE I COME. I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
THE PRESIDENT AND THE PRESS CAN SEEM A BIT STRAINED AT TIMES.
SOME IN THIS ROOM HAVE ACCUSED HIM OF BEING DISTANT AND ALOOF.
WHEN I ASKED THE PRESIDENT ABOUT IT EARLIER, HE SAID, OH, AND
THEN WALKED AWAY. [LAUGHTER] IT IS ONLY NATURAL, BUT MR.
PRESIDENT ELECTION WAS LESS EXCITING THAN THE FIRST TIME AROUND
IN 2008. AN ELECTION NIGHT, YOU CELEBRATED WITH HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE IN CHICAGO’S GRANT PARK. IT WAS
FASCINATING. THIS TIME AROUND, YOU SPLIT THE HOT DOG DID NOT
ASK ABOUT. IT DID NOT HAVE THE SAME BUZZ. IT HAS BEEN SEVERAL
MONTHS SINCE YOU WERE REELECTED, SO I AM CURIOUS, WHY ARE YOU
STILL SENDING EVERYONE FIVE E-MAILS A DAY ASKING FOR MORE
MONEY? YOU ONE. — YOU WON. DO YOU HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM WE
DON’T KNOW ABOUT? DID YOU PUT IT ALL ON GONZAGA? YOU DID,
DIDN’T YOU? HE DID. [GAVEL POUNDS] PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ALREADY
MADE A LOT OF CHANGES IN HIS SECOND TERM. YOU RECENTLY
APPOINTED JOHN KERRY AND CHUCK HAGEL. SMART MOVES. THE ONLY
TWO PEOPLE IN THE UNITED TO LOOK EVEN MORE TIRED THAN YOU.
[LAUGHTER] A GREAT STRATEGY. MR. PRESIDENT, YOU WILL LEAVE
OFFICE A VERY YOUNG MAN. THE PRESIDENCY HAS TAKEN HOLD — TAKEN
IT’S TOLL. YOU ARE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A JUDGE ON “LAW AND
ORDER.” JUST SAY, YOU ARE ON THIN ICE, COUNSELOR. YOU COULD
HAVE THAT PART RIGHT AWAY. YOUR HAIR IS SO WHITE, IT COULD BE
A MEMBER OF YOUR CABINET. [LAUGHTER] [CROWD OOHS] HE CAN HANDLE
IT. HE RECENTLY PICKED THE NEW TREASURY SECRETARY, JACK LEW. IF
THE PRESIDENT EVER HAS TO LET HIM GO, HE CAN SAY, IT IS NOT
LEW, IT’S ME. [LAUGHTER] THE QUOTE A CITY MUST BUT THE
PRESIDENT IS THAT HE IS ALWAYS THE COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM.
THAT IS WHAT EVERYONE SAYS. HE IS THE COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM.
HERE IS MY QUESTION. WHO ELSE IS IN THAT ROOM? IT IS NOT HARD
TO BE THE COOL ONE WHEN THE OTHER GUYS IN THE ROOM R BIDEN,
HAGEL, AND CARRY. I WOULD BE COOL TO IF I WAS IN A ROOM WHERE
STEVE VILLE SACKETT SHOWING SOMEONE HOW TO DO THE HARLEM SHAKE.
I HAVE MADE SOME JOKES ABOUT THE PRESIDENT THIS EVENING. I AM
LOOKING FORWARD TO MY AUDIT. [LAUGHTER] IT IS COMING. I KNOW. I
WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT HERE AND CHANGE GEARS AND SAY SOME
INTO THE PRESIDENT. REGARDING THE EVENTS OF THE PAST TWO WEEKS.
SOME OF YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS. I GREW UP IN BOSTON. BUT PARENTS
STILL LIVE THERE. MY BROTHER, LUKE, RAISED HIS FAMILY IN
WATERTOWN. I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK, YOU
MR. PRESIDENT, FOR VISITING THAT GREAT CITY AND HELPING PEOPLE
BEGIN TO HEAL WITH YOUR INSPIRING WORDS. YOU MADE A HUGE
DIFFERENCE. [APPLAUSE] IT HAS BEEN SAID RECENTLY THAT YOU DON’T
MESS WITH BOSTON. AS SOMEONE WHO GREW UP THERE, I WOULD LIKE TO
ECHO THAT SENTIMENT. IT IS REALLY PRETTY SIMPLE. IF YOU’RE
GOING TO PICK ON A CITY, DON’T CHOOSE ONE WHERE NINE OUT OF 10
PEOPLE ARE RELATED TO A COP. DON’T DO IT. IT IS STUPID. THAT
INCLUDES MYSELF. I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO MENTION BEFORE I GO.
EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH WASHINGTON THESE DAYS. WE SAW HOW YOU
WENT CRAZY FOR “HOUSE OF CARDS” “HOMELAND”, HOLLYWOOD CAN’T GET
ENOUGH OF YOUR WORD — WORLD. I’M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THAT
THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE A TELEVISION MINISERIES ABOUT THE POWER
PLAYERS HERE IN WASHINGTON. THEY JUST FINISHED THE CASTING, AND
I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE WHO IS GOING TO PLAY WHO. THIS IS BIG.
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO BE PLAYED BY BOB BARKER.
[LAUGHTER] FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER DAVID AXELROD WILL BE
PLAYED BY HIGGINS FROM MAGNUM PEII. THIS WAS ALSO PRODUCED BY
STEVEN SPIELBERG, BY THE WAY. THE PRESENT OF PAUL RYAN WILL BE
PLAYED BY MR. BEAN. [LAUGHTER] SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER WILL BE
PLAYED BY GRANDPA MUNSTER. [LAUGHTER] THIS ISSENATOR HARRY REID
WILL BE PLAYED BY THE OLD MAN FROM THE AMERICAN GOTHIC
PAINTING. FOX NEWS CEO ROGER AILES WILL BE PLAYED BY — BIGGER
BOEHNER WILL BE PLAYED BY TAN MOM. SECRETARY OF HOMELAND
SECURITY OF WILL BE PLAYED BY PAUL GIAMATTI. [LAUGHTER] FORMER
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND CHICAGO MAYOR RAHM EMANUEL WILL
BE PLAYED BY STEWIE FROM “FAMILY GUY.” SECRETARY OF STATE JOHN
KERRY WILL BE PLAYED BY ANY EASTER ISLAND HEAD. I CANNOT TELL
THOSE TWO APART. [LAUGHTER] SUPREME COURT CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN
ROBERTS WILL BE PLAYED BY BUZZ LIGHT YEAR. SENATOR MITCH
MCCONNELL WILL BE PLAYED BY DAME EDNA. CEMENT EGG OR WOLF
BLITZER WILL BE PLAYED BY A — CNN ANCHOR WOLF BLITZER WILL BE
PLAYED BY A FURBY. AND WHEN LOCKE YEAR WILL BE PLAYED BY THE
FACE NOSEDIVE FROM RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. AND WHITE HOUSE
PRESS SECRETARY JAY CARNEY WILL BE PLAYED IBY RALPHIE FROM “A
CHRISTMAS STORY.” LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A HUGE HONOR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE]>> GREAT
EARLIER,
BRIDGE

100 thoughts on “Conan O’Brien remarks at 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner (C-SPAN)”

  1. It's the best WHCD performance, hands down. I've never seen such a consistent thread of good jokes. Brilliant.

  2. 18:52 Obama and Boehner are like Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow…they understand each other's positions but deep down, nothing's ever gonna happen LOL

  3. Am I the only one who finds these 'rent-a-famous-comedian' Correspondent's Dinner 'gigs' kind of cringeworthy?

    Colbert was the first one to CLEARLY stray from what he was probably told was 'appropriate', and actually made it an ACTUAL take-down of how pathetic American Congress has become: "Shoot me in the face".

    It all just seems so contrived (no matter who is in power), and it's just a bunch of rich, self-congratulatory, self-indulgent people being EXACTLY that.

    …and let's face it, can we really just turn off the REALITY of what is going on in America for one night for already privileged people to sit and 'make light' of the chaos they cause in average American's lives? On either side of the political divide?

    As I said, I just find the whole thing cringeworthy and fake, no matter who the President is.

  4. 5:17 who is that guy with the glasses laughing? The cameras show him like 4 times specifically for no reason it seems like.

  5. can anyone please share me the link of the video of Conan's thanksgiving
    dinner with Pierre bernard, wing peng and jordan please

  6. Yeah I agree they’re are some people who may do a better job at one liners but no one can carry a show like Conan. That took genius to pull that off. Not a single script screw up, perfect ad lib and perfect character in the process.

  7. So CNN has been fake news for 6+ years. Wow maybe they should be considered an entertainment channel, instead of a news channel??? But that also goes for FoxNews and MSNBC, since they too are fake news. Making stuff up as they go along to scare and terrorize their viewership.

  8. Imagine if Jeff Ross or Greg Giraldo (RIP) were there? It'd be slaughterhouse of comedy mixed with politics 😂

  9. 6:16 look at that spoiled girl, such privileged, like she doesn't even want to be there. She's like: omg… why is he so weird… i dont get it…

  10. Haha. For some reason I underestimated him, but he did as well or better than anyone before him. Shittiest crowd in existence, after all…
    That cafeteria jab on MPR and the wordplay on "urban" were my personal faves. xD

  11. My impression of Conan is that even though his political leanings are obvious like most roasters at this event, he's not polarizing. Oh, and he's the best late night host by a mile!

  12. i was about to get mad and leave at that NRA joke and then I heard the chris christie one and realized hes just going after everyone

  13. I come back to watch this whenever I need to confirm my suspicions that politicians are soulless. Yes some people laugh, but the amount of grim-faced vacant stares is disconcerting.

  14. I have watched this many times and still laugh every time. One of the best ever. Conan was out standing. I hope he does it again some time soon.

  15. Thank you, C-SPAN, for posting videos where a bunch of comedians shit on your network and how literally nobody watches it ^^

  16. This Conan guy is pretty funny, he may have a future in television. Who's the hot blonde in the blue dress at the 4:00 mark?

  17. Obamacare. After 8 years in office he left the country 22 trillion dollars in debt. With 22 million illegal aliens. The economy broken. Unemployment at a high. Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria running wild gaining arms. Murder and crime rising. That's what Trump inherited and in only two years he starred to turn it around opposed by the Democrats at every stage.

  18. He really gets going about 15 minutes with the HS cafeteria bit. His shit was funny before then but he won the audience after that one

  19. That Florida joke was fucking genius and somewhat prescient, the fact it got nothing in the room shows how dim these cunts are.

  20. I missed this the first time around. It's great, he's funny without being overly partisan or mean. Conan is legend.

  21. ok I finally watched this and Norm's bit from president Clinton's dinner back to back, and Norm was clearly better

  22. It’s a shame Trump doesn’t have the balls to attend this event as president, such a coward, he just can’t take a joke i guess

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