Boomstick: This episode of Death Battle is brought to you by Destiny’s Expansion I:
Boomstick: The Dark Below.
Boomstick: Available now!
Wiz: They say imitation is the highest form of flattery but sometimes it’s nothing but a slap to the face
W: Such is the case when it comes to these two mass mercinaries
Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth
W: And Deathstroke, the Terminator.
B: He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick
W: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a death battle
B: You see him on tshirts, internet memes, and everywhere you look at nerd conventions
W: But the story behind this popular antihero isn’t as light-hearted as his joking nature would lead you to believe.
W: Wade Winston Wilson was a globe-trotting mercenary looking for his chance to become the world’s next greatest superhero
W: Then he was diagnosed with cancer, which hit him like a flaming semitruck falling on his face.
B: That’s….oddly specific
W: Facing the inevitability of death, Wade gave up. He abandoned his heroic dream, stopped his chemo treatments,
W: and dumped his girlfriend to free her from the burden of a man doomed to die.
B: Doomed, until he was offered a cure by Department K: The special weapons development division of a strange, alien world called…
B: And by cure, I mean he actually was handed over to the Weapons X program: The same guys who gave Wolverine’s bones the old chrome dip.
B: They injected Wade with Wolvie’s healing factor
W: Which I don’t even know if that’s possible – Do they have a spare jar of “Essence of Wolverine” or something?
B: With the ability to heal from anything, his body became a surgical playground for Doctor Killebrew and his assistant Ajax.
B: Just like operation! Only constantly hitting the sides.
B: But hey! At least he doesn’t have cancer anymore.
W: Well….. actually he still does.
W: His cells just regenerate faster than the cancer can kill him. Beneath that red and black spandex, he’s basically a giant walking tumor.
W: Which can talk.
W: A lot.
B: AHH. KILL IT WITH FIRE!
B: Ohh, wait – we can’t.
W: Meanwhile, among Killebrew’s other prisoners, a gambling ring was fomed.
W: Patients would place bets on each other’s survival under the knife.
B: And these bets were placed under what they called…
B: The Dead Pool
B: Get it?
B: ‘Cause it’s kinda like where his name comes fro-ohh you’ll see.
W: Unfortunately for Killebrew, Wade had somehow gotten superhuman strength, speed, and stamina
W: ’cause I guess they had a jar filled with that shit too.
W: He used these skills to kill Ajax and make a dramatic escape.
W: Free at last, his fellow inmates inspired him to take on his now famous namesake
Deadpool: DEADPOOOL YEAH
B: What the heck?
D: Ohh, I’m sorry, please, keep talking about how great I am!
W: I was afraid of this…
W: You see, Deadpool somehow possesses a unique awareness of whatever medium he’s in, whether it be comic books, video games, tv shows…
W: or an awesome internet show
B: Awesome what now?
W: Basically he’s a pro at shattering the fourth wall
D: Bingo! By the way, Boomstick, tell your ex-wife that I said hello
B: You’ve got five seconds to get the hell out of here before I blow your head off.
W: Fortunately all that would do is piss him off.
W: Bad idea, as Deadpool is a master martial artist, seasoned assassin, and a raging sex machi- what?
D: Yeah, I noticed you left out a few things in the script so I made some changes.
D: You know, just the important stuff
D: Like mah penis.
B: Well if by raging sex machine he means getting down with a bloated alien, a shapeshifting teenage prostitute, and Death herself, he must have some pretty low standards.
B: That’s right, this guy tried to literally stick his dick in Death
B: Maybe that’s why he liked my ex-wife.
B: But besides his dick, Deadpool has an arsenal of weaponry he can pull out from absolutely nowhere.
W: This is an animation technique commonly called, “The Magic Satchel.” Though it’s existence as an actual thing is preposterous.
D: Oh yeah? Watch this:
W: I hate you.
D: Aw, I hate you too!
B: Me too.
B: Some of Deadpools favorite toys include-
D: My trusty, rusty twin katanas, some grenades, my favorite machine guns: Butter and I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter, a teleportation belt,
D: An infinity stone that alters continuity! Ohhh I can’t choose! I LOVE EM ALL.
B: Okay, that’s it. I’m gonna kill him.
W: Combined, Deadpool’s weapons and abilities helped him accomplish some amazing feats in spite of his illness.
B: His quickdraw is fast enough to beat seven Hydra agents at once.
B: He can descimate legions of armed warriors solo, while talking on the phone.
B: He’s the only one to ever outwit Taskmaster, who literally has the power to predic his opponents moves,
B: And in one instance, he even murdered the ENTIRE Marvel Universe, including the supposedly unkillable Wolverine.
W: He did this with a sword made of carbonadium – an alloy capable of nullifying healing factors.
W: In other words, he cheated.
B: He survived skyscrapers collapsing on top of him, having his heart ripped out, his head blown to bits, and even his entire body melted into a puddle.
W: But his regeneration is also responsible for one of his greatest downfalls.
W: This power has trained him to think he’s invincible and so he’s become quite careless in battle.
B: And that’s just if his extreme ADHD hasn’t already put him into a bind.
W: Yet there are few more deadly than the regenerating degenerate.
W: Really, Deadpool finally accomplished his dream of becoming the next great superhero.
D: Awww, that’s sweet of you guys.
D: Wanna see me naked?
B: AHHH, MY EYES
B: CAN’T….CLAW THEM OUT….FAST ENOUGH
D: And, now you’re scarred for life!
D: Let’s see my competition
W: In the history of the DC Universe, there has never existed a more lethal technician and soldier than Slade Joseph Wilson.
W: After illegally joining the US Military at the age of 16, he fought in Korea for years, where his skill earned the attention of an experimental serum program.
And the lovely Captain Adeline Kane.
B: This is sounding suspiciously like the origin story of Captain America.
W: Slade actually gets the girl.
B: Oh nevermind! But does he steal cars?
W: Slade completely mastered every fighting style under Adeline’s tutalage in record time.
W: Apparently, this impressed her so much they were married with a kid on the way in mere months.
B: Now that’s my kind of woman!
B: ‘Oh? You’re a badass? No roses, no dates – Let’s fight people, get married and plow.’
B: Feeling pretty fucking great about life, Slade volunteered for an experiment that would help him resist enemy truth serums.
B: Everything went exactly as planned.
[screaming and things breaking]
B: You’d think these guys would’ve learned by now.
W: Wouldn’t you know it, the injections did not have the effect they were looking for.
W: But instead of ruining his life forever, the experiment accidentally transformed Slade into the deadliest assassin in the world.
W: A terminator, if you will.
W: Which begs the question:
W: What on EARTH does the US Military think is in truth serums??
B: Slade rose as a new man, known to the world as Deathstroke.
D: Don’t forget to like favorite and subscribe! WOOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOOP!
B: Deathstroke is nearly superhuman. He can hit harder, run faster, react quicker, and push himself longer than an olympic athlete.
B: Plus he can use 90 percent of his brain, unlike the average 10 percent
W: Come on, if we REALLY only used ten percent of our brains, we’d be about as dumb as sheep.
B: You’re a sheep.
W: What’s important here is that Deathstroke can process information nine times more efficiently than an ordinary man.
W: He can think quicker, hear better, and see faster.
W: GOD DAMMIT That’s not a real thing!
B: Ooh! We should put him and Captain America into a staring contest!
W: Uuughhh… (Ben you’re a sheep)
W: He also has a healing factor which can repair any part of his body, even if his brain is blown to smithereens.
B: Brining him back from the dead
W: Unfortunately, life back home was rough for Slade. His abilities were put to the test when his son was kidnapped by a group of rival mercenaries.
W: Despite a successful rescue, his son lost his ability to speak.
B: So his ungrateful wife lashed out in rage, and Slade was never the same
B: But he’s one step closer to his secret dream of becoming a pirate
B: Question, Wizard: If he has a healing factor, how come he’s still missing that eye?
W: Well… no one knows, Boomstick, but perhaps not even a healing factor can repair the deepest of emotional wounds.
B: Oh that’s bullshit.
W: Despite his new lack of depth perception, Deathstroke remained as skilled as ever.
B: Partially thanks to his favorite gear.
B: I’m talking dual machine guns, a sniper rifle, and a superbomb.
W: Which is actually a glorified flashbang grenade with trace bits of kryptonite.
W: Guess who that’s for.
D: The guy who fought Goku in one of the most biased fanboy videos EVER.
W: Shut up, Wade.
D: Okay, Ben.
B: This is just getting weird.
B: So, back to the weapons!
B: Deathstroke prefers his sweet Thundercat-style sword and laser-shooting energy lance. Also he’s got an awesome suit of armor, made up of kevlar and nth metal.
W: Oh look! Yet ANOTHER fictional alloy stronger and lighter than titanium.
W: Also he has armor composed of Promethium,
B: Well, my shirt is made up of Boomstickium.
B: See? I can make up alloys too, writers.
W: Actually, Boomstick, Promethium is a real thing.
B: Aw come on!
W: Though in real life, it’s a chemical used in atomic batteries to power guided missiles and spacecraft.
W: But in comic book land, it’s not that at all. It can absorb energy, is incredibly strong, and is self regenerative.
B: Wait, so his suit has a healing factor too?
B: So…like…does his zipper try to close itself if he wants to take a leak? Cause that’s horrifying. I mean I remember when I got my junk stuck in the toaster-
W: WITH his impressive skills and arsenal, Deathstroke has defeated dozens of ninjas at once, survived an exploding nuclear submarine, and took down most of the Justice League by himself.
B: He’s also really good at pushups.
W: uhhh… how many push-ups can he do?
B: All of them.
W: Despite multiple members of the Justice League agreeing he’s the best tactician on the planet, Deathstroke is known for violent outbursts of rage when in extreme pain.
W: Depending on who he’s fighting, this can make him even more dangerous.
B: Deathstroke doesn’t just solve problems, he terminates them.
Slade: I am the thing that keeps you up at night,
the evil that haunts every dark corner.
I will never rest, and neither will you.
W: Alright, the combatants are set, let’s end this debate once and for all.
B: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLEEEEE
Deadpool: What a rip!
DP: Seriously, what makes this chump worth ten bucks more than me?
DP: C’mon! I’m ME
DP: Wh-pff-what? Am I right?
DP: Yeah I am, I’m pretty sure.
[solid snake ! notice]
Deathstroke: It’s your lucky day
DS: I can show you
DP: Oh boy, a show! Can I get popcorn first? I hope they have salt and pepper shakers
DP: Bang! Bang! Ba-ba-ba-bang! Bang bang bang bang bang bang! B-b-bang bang bang!
DP: Check this rad air!
DP: A Donotello fan, huh?
DP: I was always more of a Leonardo guy, myself.
DP: [muttering] Although I think more people would pin me more as a Michealangelo. You know, that’s them labeling.
DP: I WILL NOT BE LABELED
DP: No touching me!
DP: LET’S DO THIS
DP: OW OW! OH MY KIDNEY!
DP: COMIN ATCHA
DP: I gotta say, it’s kinda an honor to get the snot beaten out of me by YOU of all people.
DP: Bruises aside, of course.
DS: Let’s see what kind of mark this leaves on you
DP: HEY BUDDY. Don’t let ME slow you down!
DP: Where is that sonovagun I’m gonna show him what-for I swear to-
DP: ooohhhh shit.
DP: Look at me! LOOK AT ME! Do not slow down!
Missed me! WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP
DP: dumb face!
DP: OHH my kidney,
DP: Oh! Is it swordfight time?!?
DP: Good thing I carry spares!
DP: Guess it’s cutting time!
DS: If you spent half as much time concentrating as you do talking, perhaps you’d be less predictable.
DP: OH YOU’RE KIDDING ME. I’m predictable?!?!
DP: I’m just getting warmed up!
[audience cheering and whistling]
DS [disgusted sigh]
DP: This slick dynomite! He’s coming for me! Wants to fight.
[camera shot noises]
DP: My spleen!
DP: My leg!
DP: Ugh! It’s cramping!
[solid snake ! Alert]
Pop! Pop! Watching Deathstroke-
[solid snake ! noise]
DP: God dammit
OW MY THIRD LUNG IS SO BIG-
DP; Well, that escalated quickly. Y’might want to lay low for a couple days ’cause you are pretty much responsible for a mass murdering.
DP: Hahaha! Huahahahaha! It’s a Deathstroke kabob!
DP: Whoops! Hang on, gimme a sec
DP: This is gonna hurt [squelching noises]
DP: Whoa, hold on! You heal fast too?
DP: I’ve got something special for that!
DP: Carbonaidium sword!
DP: Murdering all your pesky Wolverines and Saberteeth since 2012.
DP: Good year for cinema.
DP: All the children in the audience: Cover your eyes.
And the moral of the story is….
dubelebala this is totally racist! Ayyy Chimichangas!
D: Ohh, ohh, Youtube comments. I see you rolling- oh, you’re hating, ohh, it wounds me SO
D: It doesn’t at all. Explain how I beat this asshole.
W: Don’t tell me how to do my job
W: *ahem* This was a surprisingly even match.
W: Though Deathstroke was the superior fighter of the two, and had the better armor, Deadpool can take all his punishment and give just as much.
B: Deathstroke’s smart, so normally he’d have no problem predicting his opponent’s moves.
B: But Deadpool is so unpredictable, not even Taskmaster, or sometimes even himself, for that matter, can keep up whatever he’s doing.
W: Unfortunately for Deathstroke, he didn’t have the means to put down Deadpool for good.
W: And while Deathstroke’s healing factor was perfect for repairing damage, Deadpool’s trumped his for being capable of replacing entire organs at a much faster rate.
W: Sometimes the original is not always the best.
B: Deadpool is just a cut above the rest.
W: The winner is:
D: I mean Deadpool, shit!
B: Thanks to Destiny, for sponsering this Death Battle.
W: Check out the new expansion, The Dark Below with all new loot, level increase, new story missions and quests, new co-op strikes, a six player raid, and new compeditive multiplayer arenas.
B: I’m getting the season pass so I can ride that sweet Tumbler. And don’t miss out on our next episode: Kirby vs Majin buu. Thanks for watching!