Ghostmates

Ghostmates


(music playing)
EDDIE:
Jessica, hi, it’s me, Eddie.

You know, we’ve been together
for three years
and I have something
very important
I want to ask you.
Nah. That sounds too formal.
Jessica, what up?
It’s me, Eddie.
I know we’ve been
fighting lately
a lot.
But I think
we should take
our relationship
to the next level?
And that is why
I’m gonna ask you…
this…
(music playing)
I have a very
important question,
I have a very
important query.
I have a very important
proposal for you.
No, it’s too formal.
She’s totally
gonna say, “Yes”
when she sees it anyway
so, who cares?
Jessica, hi.
Jessica, hi.
(doorbell buzzes)
Hey babe, I thought you fixed
that door handle.
I can’t even begin
to tell you about my day.
We have this new director
and he just makes us
do the same scene
over and over again.
What’s that smell?
Why are you dressed
so nice?
Jessica,
when we first met,
I know it wasn’t under
the best circumstances.
– Okay.
– But I begged you
to go on a date with me
and for some reason
you said, “Yes.”
And it was there
that I found out that we had
the same favorite desert.
Ooh, what could be under here?
Could it be tiramisu?
Ooh, babe…
That was tiramisu.
Now it’s kind of melted
but I remembered.
– So that’s something, right?
– What’s going on?
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
– To go where?
– Come on, come on.
Over here,
over here.
It’s really quick.
Right.
Stop.
– Okay.
– And on our first anniversary,
we took a road trip
to the majestic city
of Fresno, California.
JESSICA:
Oh, you framed

that terrible photo of me.
EDDIE:
Yes, I actually framed a photo.

Oh God, I got so sick off
that gas station burrito.
Many a pants
were lost that day.
– JESSICA:
Yeah.
– EDDIE:
It was a smelly,
– smelly trip.
– Okay, okay.
Okay, sorry.
But anyway,
it cut our trip
to Vancouver short
and we never made it
but didn’t matter
because as always
we rallied together
and made the best
of a not-quite
perfect situation.
Yeah, we really did.
And I have…
one more thing for you.
Okay?
This way?
This way.
Scooch, scooch.
– Okay.
– Scooch, scooch.
And then back.
Back, back, back,
back, back
and stop, stop, okay.
Jessica,
we’ve been together
for three years
and I think it’s time
we take our relationship
to the next level.
What are you doing?
– Oh, my God.
– Jessica Olivia Mathews.
My girl, my babe.
My question for you is,
will you be
my roommate…
soon?
What?
Soon?
Wait, wait, hold–
check this out.
Come on, Ed.
Just a second.
This–
– it’s gonna be really cool.
– (sighs)
What?
– It’s fine, just forget it.
– EDDIE:
How come every discussion
we have lately
penultimately ends with you
– mad at me?
– JESSICA:
Oh my God, for the last time
that’s not how you
use penultimate.
Since when?
Since always.
God, you know,
I’m not even mad.
I’m not, okay?
I’m just–
I’m disappointed.
I thought you were going
to ask me to marry you.
Marry you?
Babe, we’re super young.
That’s, like,
old people stuff.
Okay, we’re not
that young
and we’ve been dating
for three years.
Yes, and that’s why
I asked you to move in
with me soon.
So we could share things
like food
and cable and bills.
And?
What else is there?
Okay. You know,
I’m just gonna go
and I’ll text you tomorrow
or something, okay?
Okay, but you don’t have to be
so dramatic about all this.
Me?
Me be dramatic?
You set all this up
and you get on one knee
and ask me to move in.
Eventually, eventually.
Yes, yes.
Yes, when I’m ready
or when we’re ready.
I’m ready.
I’m ready.
I told you
I was ready.
You’re not.
Screw your roommate proposal.
Jessica, wait.
No don’t– Jessica.
(sighs)
(grunts)
Damn it.
Come on.
What?
Say something.
(gasping)
This is the problem.
You get mad
and you start acting
like a child.
Come on, Eddie.
Let me in.
MAN:
Next on Skin Channel,

office space between her legs.
JESSICA:
Eddie, open the door.

Eddie?
When are you gonna grow up?
Say something, Eddie.
Say something or we’re done.
Okay.
We’re done.
(music playing)
(sniffs)
I’m not dead?
I mean like, this guy
was a straight up pervert.
What are you guys doing
in my house?
WOMAN:
You guys done?

I wanna get these shots in
before lunch.
Oh, God.
WOMAN:
I don’t get it.

So he chokes himself
while he chokes himself.
How the hell is that any fun?
MAN:
Look, I don’t wanna judge

because I suck toes.
But that’s got to be
really embarrassing
for this dude, right?

(laughter)
I do not want–
I wouldn’t want to be…
You guys are sick.
You’re sick.
– You’re just pathetic and sick.
– Guys, it’s not like that.
You know, it’d be sick
if we got all this
on Instagram real quick.
Let’s get in there.
Dude, yes.
Guys, did you see that?
– What’s up?
– Come on, get in here.
Hey your–
no, no, no, no, no.
– No Instagram, no.
– MAN:
Let’s say
autoerotic asphyxiation.
– Autoerotic asphyxiation.
EDDIE:
Guys, you don’t understand.

I got my tie stuck
in the door and then…
I’m not a pervert.
No one said
you were, dude.
You can hear me?
– I’m black.
– You didn’t know?
(groaning)
– (gasping)
– (gasping)
WOMAN:
I think we should just

all go outside
and get some fresh air.
Yeah.
Whoa, is he gonna be cool,
there with the door open,
being dead?
Yeah, you know
you’re right.
We good.
Seriously?
You’re just gonna leave
my body like that?

You’re coming back, right?
(phone rings)
Hey, it’s Charlie Ross.
Yeah, yeah, I got it right here.
It’s in mint condition
and it’s got all
those expensive apps
I was talking about on it.
Five hundred dollars
is the absolute lowest
I can go.
Okay. Oh, perfect.
Yeah, no.
Two hundred dollars works, yeah.
Just meet me at my place.
It’s 1750 Dewey Drive
Cool, all right,
see you in a bit, man.
Can you take a check?
DEBBIE:
Absolutely. Rent is due

on the second
of each month
and laundry
is in the basement
and I legally have
to inform you
that the last tenant
died on the premises.
Enjoy your new place.
Oh, you’re joking, right?
She was totally joking.
Wow, she really committed
to that joke.
(sighs)
Hey, buddy,
(clears throat)
Look, sorry to–
sorry to interrupt
but the open house is over
and this place is–
this place is my place now,
so you could
put some pants on
and just get L.B.
That would be good.
You can see me?
Yes.
Oh, snap.
Dude,
this is super exciting,
like, I haven’t
been able to talk
to anyone
in, like, a week.
Okay, yeah,
so I actually
have someone coming over
in just a second
so if you could just–
if you could just go
– that would be…
– Look man, I don’t want
to scare you
or anything
but…
I’m a ghost.
– Totally.
– No, seriously dude,
I’m a ghost.
You heard that lady say
somebody died here, right?
– That was me.
– Right. Yeah, sure.
And if you
are a ghost,
then why can I clearly
see you right here?
Oh, I can prove to you.
I can walk through walls.
Check it out.
Hey man, you Charlie?
Yeah, you must
be Trevor, right?
I am Trevor.
Cool, man.
So can I see
this tablet or what?
Yeah, it’s just chilling
over here.
Here man, it’s got
a whole bunch
of animation apps on here
if you’re an artist too.
Oh.
Oh, my– oh, my God,
this is so embarrassing.
I left one of my comics
up on there.
It’s pretty– you like–
what do you think?

These are really dark, man.
– Thanks.
– It wasn’t a compliment.
They’re bumming me out.
Oh.
Ta-da. Oh, what,
were you seriously not watching?
I just went through the wall.
Hey can you please
just get out of my house?
I thought you wanted
to sell this thing, man.
– What?
– All right, fine.
You asked for this.
(groaning)
Do you believe
me now, asshole?
What are you doing man?
(music playing)
Eff yeah.
Silent mosh pit.
Let’s tear this mother down.
(groaning)
TREVOR:
Screw you, plate.

You’re not my mom.
Hey,
what are you doing?
No harm, no foul, right?
Look man, can you just
give me the money
and get out of here?
Thanks.
Hey, there’s only, like,
a hundred bucks here.
That’s all
I got, bro.
No, that’s not how this works.
What the hell?
CHARLIE:
What? He just closed the door.
Is that ketchup?
Is that freaking ketchup?
Here, take your tablet.
I don’t care anymore.

– Please just let me go.
– What?
Here’s my money, man.
– Oh, my God.
I don’t wanna die.
I love too much.
– Seriously?
– Sorry, plate.
I never meant to hurt you.
Just let him go, man.
EDDIE:
Fine.

(sobbing)
(screaming)
Told you I was a ghost.
CHARLIE:
Hey, so if you’re a ghost,
why don’t you wanna
move on to heaven?
Well, I’ve been dead
for, like, a week
and I haven’t seen or heard
anything about it, so…
maybe it doesn’t exist?
So…
are you, like–
are you the only ghost
on earth or what?
Come on.
What are you doing?
Well, I’m trying to check
my Facebook to see
all the posts
from my friends being like,
“Oh, sorry you’re dead.”
“Oh, you were the best.”
But apparently,
they didn’t design this thing
for dead people.
Oh, here.
I got you.
Here, try this.
Oh, awesome. Thanks.
Hey, you know,
thanks so much
for helping me out
with that guy
and everything
but I think you should find
a new place to haunt.
Oh, there is this cemetery
down on third
that looks like
it’s just begging
for someone to haunt it.
It would probably
be perfect for you.
Who’s that?
It’s my…
ex, I guess.
Look, it doesn’t matter.
What were you saying?
Oh, you know,
I was just–
I was just saying
I think you should
find a new place
to live.
No. No, I’m good here.
I mean, I just moved
some furniture around,
you know, so I’m really
digging the esthetic.
So either you leave
or you got yourself
a roommate.
(music playing)
– Great.
– Yeah.
(snoring)
Charlie,
are you asleep?
Yes.
Do you want
to stay asleep?
Yes. Go to sleep
on the couch.
I can’t, dude.
Ghosts don’t sleep.
God, go read a book
or something.
Dude, your brain
felt so weird.
Hey Charlie,
how’s breakfast?
Please leave.
EDDIE:
Dude, Charlie,

Charlie, Charlie.
You will not believe
what the guy over in 1748
looks like naked.
Yeah, you know.
What color is this?
So on a less weird note,
I got you a little present.
What is this?
(music playing)
EDDIE:
This, my friend,

is T-Pain’s
birthday show.
– CHARLIE:
This is phenomenal, man.
– EDDIE:
Yeah,
only the most elite
15 people get invited
to T- Pain’s intimate reading
of Edgar Allan Poe’sThe Raven.
– That’s my favorite poem.
– Oh, no way, dude, me too.
– No way, seriously?
– Yeah.
– Dude, see, we’re bonding.
– Nice.
How’d you get a ticket
to this place?
You know,
just think of it
as a way of me saying,
“Thanks for staying with me.”
You’re welcome.
Yeah.
Oh, show’s starting.
Art.
T-Pain.
Good evening.
Once…
upon…
a midnight dreary,
while I pondered,
weak and weary,
over many a quaint…
– This is so weird and awesome.
I’m gonna get closer.
T-PAIN:
…while I nodded,

nearly napping.
Suddenly,
there came a tapping,
as if someone…
– It’s T-Pain.
– …rapping at my chamber door.
– (phone buzzes)
T-PAIN:
“‘Tis some visitor,”

I muttered,
“tapping at my chamber door.
Only this…
and nothing more.”
– Eddie.
I thought you said
this ticket was a gift.
– I did, shh.
– CHARLIE:
Oh, really?
Is that why there’s a charge
for 10 grand on my credit card?
T-PAIN:
(clears throat)
I distinctly remember
Dude, it’s just credit.
You never have to pay that.
CHARLIE:
What? Yes, I do.
Ten thousand dollars,
are you insane?
I’m sorry?
Excuse me?
– What are you doing?
– CHARLIE:
No.
You are ruining
my freaking life.
Are you kidding me?
Not cool, man.
You know, I try.
– I’m just one guy up here.
– EDDIE:
Look,
I’m sorry I lied to you
but you seemed like
– you needed some fun.
– T-PAIN:
One guy on stage
trying to make love to it,
you know?
CHARLIE:
Fun? No, no.
This is not–
hanging out with you
is not fun for me.
– How is T-Pain not fun?
– T-PAIN:
Not fun.
Trying to give you guys a–
oh, good cheap ticket show
and $10, 000, that’s like–
it’s like one dinner.
CHARLIE:
You know what? Never come back
to my apartment again.
I’m probably not gonna
because I don’t know
where you live.
So I get it,
I also don’t wanna–

that was a invitational…
– Charlie, come back.
CHARLIE:
Stupid. Ten thousand dollars?
Okay, there you go.
He’s gone.
– God, you’re such a–
He’s dead.
What happened?
EDDIE:
What? T-Pain,

you’re a ghost now too?
That’s awesome!
What?
Wait, I’m dead?
Yeah, you were involved
in a freak theatrical
sandbag accident
– that I had no part in.
– A sandbag?
A sandbag killed T-Pain?
I didn’t even have a set piece.
It was just me being sexy.
But look– hey, look,
check it out.
Look at this.
Damn, I’m sexy.
This is nice.

EDDIE:
Yup. So you’re not
really worried at all
about being dead?
Well, not anymore.
After looking at that,
that’s rare.
It’s pretty nice.
I mean but also, you know,
I lived a full life,
man, you know?
– Yeah.
– T-PAIN:
I did what I needed to do.
Had a dope career,
even more dope garden.
Oh, what?
My carrots look like
full on black guy penises.
Those must be
some pretty big carrots.
I touched Beyonce’s arm once.
That was dope.
Beyonce, from Destiny’s Child?
Dude, no scrubs, am I right?
Aw, no, man.
I think I did pretty good.
I’m cool.
I’m cool with this.
EDDIE:
That’s really great.
I do have some bad news, though.
There’s no heaven so we’re just
kind of stuck here forever
until the end of time.
T-PAIN:
That’s why you’re here
and I can see you.
– EDDIE:
Yeah, yeah.
– And that’s why I’m…
EDDIE:
Yeah, it’s just you and me

so I don’t know.
You just wanna–
you wanna be best friends?
– Oh no.
– EDDIE:
You sure you don’t want
to hang out?
– No, no, no.
I’m probably gonna–
probably gonna find Tupac.
– EDDIE:
Because I’m like…
– I’m probably gonna go to that.
like, this cool.
Oh, my God,
this feels so amazing.

I’m ready, baby, let’s go.
– Lord, taketh me away.
– Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Where are you going?
T-PAIN:
I’m going to Heaven, dude.
Isn’t it obvious?
Here I come, baby.
– Yeah.
– No, no, no.
How come you’re able to go
and I can’t?
Okay. Give me a second.
Yo,
how come I’m going
and he’s not?
Right. Uh-huh.
– Okay.
– EDDIE:
What are they–
– what are they saying?
– Give me– come on,
give me a second.
Oh, no kidding.
Oh, look at– my dog’s up here.
This information
is not relevant to me.
They said it’s because
you have unfinished business.
Unfinished business?
What does that even mean?
Yeah, because this
ain’t important for me.
(stutters) What does that mean?
Right. Uh-huh.
Okay.

They said the answer
is near your heart.
T-Pain, you got to give me
more than that, friend.
I don’t know,
but I’m telling Jesus
I’m throwing a party, baby.
Let’s do it.
– Yeah.
– EDDIE:
T-Pain, come on.
Let’s get up there.
I’m not even– I can’t–
yeah.
Great.
(snoring)
Charlie, wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up,
dude, wake up.
God.
Man, what time is it?
This is a huge
freaking emergency, dude.
Okay,
Heaven is real.
I saw it when T-Pain died.
– T-Pain’s dead?
– Look, focus, dude.
That’s not important right now.
Okay, T-Pain said
if I wanted to go to Heaven,
I had to take care
of my unfinished business
on earth, he said
that the answer
– was near to my heart.
– Dude, you don’t have a heart.
You just stole
$10,000 from me.
Yeah, to buy you tickets
to a show
which you totally loved.
Look, dude,
if Heaven’s real,
I don’t wanna be stuck here
on earth forever.
Being a ghost sucks.
Too bad.
I’m going to sleep.
EDDIE:
Look, dude, I promise you,
if you help me out,
I will get you
all your money back
and then some, okay?
I’m a ghost.
Okay. Fine, fine.
How about this.
If I go to Heaven,
you never have
to see me ever again.
(sighs)
Ugh,
all right,
all right, all right.

What do you think he meant
by close to your heart?
(sigh) I don’t know, dude.
Maybe he was
being literal.
Like, maybe
there’s a message
literally on your chest
or something.
EDDIE:
No, no, don’t be an idiot, dude.
It’s got to be something
way more deep than that.
It’s got to be something
about my childhood
or a metaphor about life
or something, dude.
They’re not–
they’re not just gonna put words
right on my…
Who’s Rick Bowman?
He’s a guy I bullied
in high school.
Why would he be here?
Wouldn’t he have
graduated already?
Oh, he’s not a student.
He’s my chemistry teacher
and I hated taking his tests,
so we always argued.
About what?
About why he gave me Fs.
Did you study?
No, but that’s not
the point.
The point is that
he was persecuting me unjustly
and showing me
the penultimate disrespect.
That– actually, that’s not
how you use penultimate.
Penultimate means
second to last, you know.
So if you were describing
like a list of things–
Anyway,
I was on the yearbook staff
and to get back at him,
I photoshopped this picture
and changed the spelling
of his name.
CHARLIE:
(chortles)
Dick Blowman?

– Yeah.
– Oh, my God, man.
– You got away that?
– Yeah, you get it?
Because his name
is Rick Bowman
and I changed it
to Dick Blowman.
Yeah, it’s so close
to Rick Bowman.
Yeah, but it’s
Dick Blowman.
CHARLIE:
Wow, that Photoshop
job is genius.

EDDIE:
Yeah. I actually told him
that there was
something under my car,
so he bent down to look and
then I snapped a photo of him
but, yeah,
I’m a horrible person.
But that was years ago,
so I’m sure it’s not as bad
as it used to be.
Ah, there he is.
– He doesn’t look too bad.
– RICK:
Okay, class.
Adjust yourselves
for the classroom period.
CLASS:
Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
RICK:
Okay, settle down, class.

Settle down.
– It’s terrible.
RICK:
Okay. Well, today’s lesson

will begin on chapter seven.
It’s a really fun one,
mitosis.
Sure thing, Dick.
– My name is Rick.
– EDDIE:
Okay, so…
maybe the name
stuck a little.
– RICK:
Open your books to page…
– Mr. Blowman,
I have a question.
The name is Bowman
but what is your question?
What’s it like
Blow-a-man?
Okay. Come on, Rick.
You can do this.
I think I ruined
his life.
You know what?
That’s not even a clever joke–
of a joke of my name.
And as you may know,
I’m happily divorced
from a woman.
CHARLIE:
Hey, how are we
going to fix this?

I could say I’m sorry.
– RICK:
Never will be, really.
– I don’t think years of torment
and abuse can be erased
with a simple apology.
Yeah, you’re
probably right.
Come with me.
So let’s move on
to chapter seven.
That was my wife’s
favorite number.
– Are you sure about this?
– Yeah, dude.
I learn from the best,
remember?
No, you said you failed
all of his tests.
No, I said I failed
most of his tests.
Great.
Plus, it says
flammable on it.
Oh, yeah.
No, it’s good for you.
RICK:
Aw, come on.

Why wind?
– Running hurts.
– EDDIE:
Wooooo,
spooky paper.
Woooo,
try to get it.
Come on.
Woooooo.
CHARLIE:
Somebody help me, please.

I’m trapped
in this classroom
and the classroom
is on fire.
RICK:
Can you undo
the locking mechanism?

CHARLIE:
No, due to the fire,
the flames
are blocking the door.
– What’s happening?
– We need to help this man.
– How?
– CHARLIE:
If only someone knew
the correct chemicals
to blow off the door handle
and free me.
We can use Chemistry.
You two, get me five hundred
milligrams of potassium.
You, get me some water, stat.
CHARLIE:
(coughing)
I can’t stand up anymore.
You ‘re okay back there, buddy?
– Oh, God, this hurts.
– Okay, just hang on.
RICK:
Now be sure to use
extreme caution

when using any chemicals
even water.

Now put
your safety goggles on.
You’re all goggled up?
Now you want to
coat the surface
you want to get
a reaction from with H20
making sure that
the entire surface is coated.
(coughing)
Oh, God, is he almost done?
Not really.
He’s just kind of talking a lot.
Now cover your
auditory processors.
Your ears.
Let me get that potassium.
All right.
Oh boy,
this could be fun.
(explosion)
EDDIE:
Oh, Damn,
that was really cool.
Hey, you’re still alive
back there?
Feels like pins
and needles in my chest.
Okay. You just suck it up,
please, and stop whining.
RICK:
See? With the right use
of chemistry,
you can do
just about anything.
Now when handling
a recently combusted
door-handle
make sure you’re using
the proper outerwear,
gloves and/or clothing.
So we’re going to
put the gloves on.
Okay.
He’s putting on gloves now.
Oh, I can’t see.
My eyes are open
and I can’t see.
– He’s not doing
very well at it.
– CHARLIE:
Oh, God.
– And then we get him.
– CHARLIE:
Oh, I don’t like this.
(coughing)
Eddie, I think I’m dying,
for real, open the door.
I don’t want to be a ghost.
Hey, Mr. Blowman,
you might want to hurry up.
(coughing)
EDDIE:
Oh, come on, man.
Just a little bit longer.
This isn’t about you.
I didn’t know if that’s
to be all about you.
RICK:
Okay. So when we
actually accomplish it–
(Charlie coughing)
– You did it.
– You’re a hero.
He blew a door open
to save a man.
He is the Blow Man.
Blow Man. Blow Man!
ALL:
Blow Man! Blow Man!
Blow Man! Blow Man! Blow Man!
I’m smiling.
This is what it feels
like to smile.
– Yeah!
– All:
Blow Man, Blow man,
Blow Man, Blow Man,
Blow Man, Blow Man.
Blow Man, Blow Man, Blow Man.
(fire extinguisher gushing)
(music playing)
It’s working.
I almost died.
So, are you, like, a new
teacher or something?
And how did that fire
start in the classroom?
Blow Man! Blow Man! Blow Man!
God, this is depressing.
Hey, it is cool
if I open up this bad boy?
No. I’m saving that
for the night
that I consummate
my future marriage.
You.
So, what happened
at your job exactly?
Oh.
We didn’t see eye-to-eye
on the comic I was doing.
They said it wasn’t
funny enough.
So, it’s just stupid.
So it’s a comedy?
Yeah, and it’s
freakin’ hilarious.
So this comic I was
working on is about this
socialist opossum
that was being oppressed
by his capitalist overlords.
It’s called Overlord
Oppressed Opossum.
– Cool.
– Right. And look,
and his catch phrase,
check this out.
Are you ready?
“I’m so oppressed.”
– Cool, cool.
– CHARLIE:
Yeah, so he just–
he goes around,
he’s always sad
and he has to pay
so much in taxes,
his whole family is just
struggling to eat constantly.
They can’t pay
for anything
’cause capitalism,
right?
It’s where– it’s organized
crime, seriously.
Yeah.
That sounds like
a really funny comic.
Anyway,
it’s hilarious, dude.
Totally. Yeah.
Just give me that.
Hello?
Jessica?
Hi.
Hi. I’m sorry.
My ex-boyfriend
used to live here
and the landlady said that I
could come by and get my stuff,
but I’m just on
break from work.
Sorry, I didn’t realize anyone
had already moved in here.

And you eat people
for a living?
Oh, the makeup.
Oh, yeah.
No, I’m a zombie.
I’m a background actor
on that show
– Law and Order ZCD.
– ZCD?
– Zombie Cop Division.
– CHARLIE:
Oh, cool. I’ve never seen it.
– Oh, the show is amazing.
– JESSICA:
Oh, you’re really
not missing much.
– Like, the whole
twin angle is genius.
– — and they still haven’t
been able to catch
this zombie serial killer–
EDDIE:
Is he good or bad? It’s crazy.
You should watch it.
— and he’s the twin
of the main character.
It’s really, really dumb.
Cool.
Why is all this stuff
still here?
CHARLIE:
Oh, yeah.

Everything just
came with the place.
You know, and I figured
it was good enough
for that last guy,
so why not keep it?
The last guy died here.
Okay. I’m just going
to get my stuff and go.
CHARLIE:
Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Totally.

Yeah. Just make
yourself at home.
Do you need help
with anything?
No, no, no. I’m good.
Since you left everything
in the exact same spot
as my now dead ex-boyfriend,
it shouldn’t be hard to find.
Cool. Yeah, have fun.
Look at her, dude.
She’s not wearing black
or a veil or anything.
It’s not like I ever
even died to her.

CHARLIE:
Yeah, ’cause
it’s not the 1800s.

I mean, were you guys
even married?
– EDDIE:
What? No.
– Hey.
So, it’s hot today, huh?
And how long
were you together?

EDDIE:
Three years.

And you were
just now asking her
to move in with you?
Yeah, is that weird?
Yeah, it’s kind of weird.
Kind of taking it little
slow, don’t you think?

EDDIE:
No. We’re going to share bills.

It’s adult as hell.
– Oh, hey.
Well, maybe by her
collecting her stuff,

she’ll be off
the list, right?
Why does she look
so happy?
Are you kidding me?
She looks pretty distraught.
EDDIE:
I mean, she’s pretending

like she barely even knew me.
Like, she’s not even
sad or anything.

– CHARLIE:
What?
– EDDIE:
I mean, it’s a possibility
she didn’t even love me
in the first place.

You should ask her.
Ask her if she loved me.
– Come on.
– CHARLIE:
What? Not now. Why?
EDDIE:
Ask her.

– No.
– Do it.
JESSICA:
So, you never looked
around and thought,
“Hey, it’s pretty creepy
to have another couple’s photos
– all over the place?”
– Dude, can you please
just do it for me?
Oh, oh, those?
No, I thought
those were
just the cheesy ones–
cheesy pictures that
came in those frames.
You know what dude,
if you don’t ask her,
I’m going to jump in
your body and make you do it.

Or what?
I’m not doing it.
Or what?
Oh, you know what.
(sighs)
Hey.
Just a quick
random question,
did you– did you like him?
No.
– Did I like him?
– CHARLIE:
Yeah.
Yeah. He was my boyfriend,
of course I liked him.
– Cool, that’s what I thought.
– No, no.
Did you love him?
– I’m going to go inside you.
– Did you love him?
– What?
– EDDIE:
Dude, I’m going to do it.
– Did–
– Come on, dude. Ask her.
Did you love him?
I can’t do this.
This is too weird.
– Jessica, wait.
– It was really nice
to meet you.
Hey, you forgot your stuff.
(music playing)
Aw, shit!
Great. How are we going
to get her
and your dad
off the list now?
I don’t know.
The funeral.
What funeral?
(church bell towing)
(sighs)
Wow.
I look really trimmed
in the abdominal region.
CHARLIE:
Oh, yeah, when they embalm you,
I guess they just scraped out
all your internal organs and
just leave your body as nothing,
but an empty petrified
shell of skin and bones.
Oh, God.
They also cut off your penis
and just leave the testicles.
What?
CHARLIE:
Who are those old people?

Are those your grandparents?
No. Just some old people.
Man, this is a really
crap turn out, huh?
Guess I was kind of a dick.
Such a disgusting
young man.
MAN:
What an embarrassing way to die.
His parents,
they must be so ashamed.
You should be ashamed
of yourself.
Just terrible.
How is everybody
finding out about this?
Why is that guys
wearing the same ugly tie
as your corpse?
That’s my dad.
God, I haven’t seen him
in forever.
– What happened?
– Well, we had an argument
about why my mom left.
I said he was a bad husband
and he said I was a bad son.
And it turned out
we were both wrong,

she was just a bad mom.
– Dude, he’s coming.
– (clears throat)
Okay, this isn’t going to
work, dude, but whatever.
He’s never going
to believe this.

This is stupid.
Wow.
Hey, son.
I wasn’t expecting this.
You look good.
Anyway, so I guess
Jessica insisted
that we bury you in that tie,
so I guess we’re twins now.
Look, I…
I just want to say
that I’m sorry
that we didn’t do stuff
differently.
And I really wish
that I had would’ve taught you
safe self-pleasuring practices.
Okay. Dude, please tell him
I didn’t die like that.
Why?
Don’t worry about that
just, come on,
just stick to your heart.
Okay.
Tell him,
“Hey Papa T.”
Hey Papa T.
Okay, I don’t sound like that.
Eddie?
Is that you?
Yeah. It’s me, dad,
Eddie Clayton.
TIM:
Wow.

It is you– I can–
I can tell the voice and…
What?
TIM:
Are you okay?

I mean– I mean,
are you in heaven or is it nice?
Well, dad, I wouldn’t know
because I haven’t
seen heaven yet.
Yeah. It’s great up here.
I’m just chilling,
playing badminton
with Abraham Lincoln,
and Ghandi,
and Thomas Edison.
EDDIE:
Wait, dude what are you doing?
– What?
– TIM:
Now?
You’re gonna do
all of this now?
You know we’ve been
through this before.
Thomas Edison
is a little bitch.
– What?
– EDDIE:
Dude,
– he hates Thomas Edison.
– How is that possible?
Thomas Edison is the father
of modern science.
No. He is the father
of modern lies.
Everybody knows that all he did
was to take credit
for Tesla’s work.
If Tesla was better, history
would’ve proven it by now.
– Shut up.
– TIM:
Oh, my God, stop.
They must have a really
complicated relationship.
EDDIE:
Okay, dude.

We need to fix this.
Just tell him,
tell him I love him.
I love you, dad.
EDDIE:
I’m sorry that we ever fought.

I’m sorry we fought.
And I don’t blame you
for mom leaving.
CHARLIE:
And I don’t blame you
for mom leaving.

EDDIE:
You were the best dad
I could ever hope for

and I’m sorry I took that
for granted.
CHARLIE:
You’re the best dad
I could ever hope for

and I took you for granted.
I love you, Eddie.
I love you too, dad.
And also, I didn’t die
by masturbating.

I got my tie stuck
in the door.
Tell him before
he’s gone, please.

CHARLIE:
He’s already
leaving, I can’t.

EDDIE:
Oh, my God. You’re such a dick.

He’s already gone.
EDDIE:
I didn’t die like that.
Okay, dad?
I’m not a pervert.
I masturbate just fine.
CHARLIE:
Hey.
EDDIE:
Hey.
So, thanks for that.
Yeah.
Is he off the list?
Yup, now all what’s left is–
– Jessica!
– EDDIE:
Yeah, I know. I can read.
What are you doing here?
Just say you brought
the box with her stuff in it.
I brought the box
with her stuff in it.
I mean, I brought the stuff
with the box in it.
I mean, I brought
the stuff with your box.
I mean, I have–
I have a box–
Dude, just
give her the box.
(makes noise)
So, how’d you know
I’d be here?
Oh, here,
I saw the funeral
in the paper.
So, yeah.
Sorry about your loss.
Thanks.
That really helped.
Hi, I’m Sam.
Hi, I’m Charlie.
Great suit,
by the way.
I love how you’re not
afraid to show ankle skin.
– Told you.
– You’re so fashion forward.
Thanks.
Yeah, I love fashion.
Yeah, there’s so much
fashion around, isn’t it?
CHARLIE:
Yeah. People used
to call me, Mr. Fashion
all the time.
It’s like Mr. Fashion,
what’s up?
Nobody ever
called you that.
Is that Eddie’s suit?
Oh, yeah.
It was– it was
hanging up in the closet
and I don’t have,
you know, a suit so–
hey, I know it must’ve
been really weird
to walk into Eddie’s place
and just see me there
with all of his stuff.
Yeah, it was–
it was really strange.
Hey, I got to be
honest for a second.
I moved into the place
because it was like
incredibly cheap
and I just lost my job
like six months ago
and I was basically…
living out of my car, so…
Is that why you have
all those bottles of pee?
EDDIE:
Oh, gross.

– Aw.
– That isn’t–
– that is not pee.
– It looks a lot like pee.
– Dude, that is totally pee.
– SAM:
But I get it.
I mean, it’s better
to pee in a bottle
than getting arrested
for indecent exposure
and then having to register
as a sex offender.
I hate
sex offenders.
Yeah. I– no,
I– they suck.
Now that I think of it,
I hate sex offenders too.
CHARLIE:
No, they’re the worst.
I don’t think anybody
likes sex offenders.
That’s, like,
a universal thing.
JESSICA:
I think that’s
pretty universal, guys.
– Yeah, that’s so horrible.
– That’s a weird…
– CHARLIE:
That’s what we were saying.
– Okay.
CHARLIE:
That’s why we started
saying all that stuff.
This is such
a good conversation.
I love this.
I just want to nibble
at your nose.
Come on.
What– you–
oh, my God.
Charlie, you’re just
a ladies’ man.
JESSICA:
Okay.

– We should probably go. Right?
– Yeah.
JESSICA:
But thank you
so much for my stuff.
Sorry about your job.
I’m sorry about Eddie.
(sighs)
Sounds like
he was a really good guy.
– Not really.
– Hey.
– I’m sorry.
– No, I mean,
he wasn’t the best,
but neither was I
and we could’ve done a lot
of things better, I think.
But when things were good.
they were really good.
No one could make me
laugh like Ed.
But thanks for my stuff.
Yeah.
JESSICA:
And–
oh actually,
here you go.
Eddie’s key.
So I can’t just
burst in at all hours.
– Yeah.
– But thanks again.
Come on, Sam.
Nice meeting you,
Charlie.
You too.
Keep those ankles exposed.
Oh, you know I will.
Boom. You’re dead.
I’m dead.
Well, that has
to be closure
if I ever seen it,
right?
I sure hope so.
Seriously?
(grunts)
Okay, dude.
She’s not over me.
What?
Yeah.
We have to get her to fall
for somebody else.
(sighs)
BOTH:
Awwww!
Today’s scene
is the most important scene
any of us has ever shot
in our entire lives.
So places, please. I’m going to
need my dead zombies right here

in the foreground
by my fresh human victims.

And fresh victims, remember,
you just were eaten by zombies,
so your motivation
is hollowness,
silence, loudness,
blue, indigo, violet,
color, no color,
fresh caught salmon,
naldextrin.

Are you sure we can’t just
get someone else to do this?
No, if we’re going to have
Jessica fall for someone,
it’s got to be you.
It can’t be somebody
that’s more successful
or more attractive
than me, you know?
I mean, no offense.
CHARLIE:
No, that still–
that’s very offensive.
You can’t just say,
“No offense,”
and decide
it doesn’t offend me.
Yeah, I can.
I didn’t mean offense.
No, that’s– that–
that’s not how that works.
Okay, people, stop.
Are we going to have a problem
with fresh human victim,
white male number one?
Sorry?
I don’t hear your motivation
being projected into actuality.
Sorry.
Where’s your character from?
Iowa.
That’s good.
So, we’re going again.
Oh, and finally,
I have my dead zombies.
Let’s move it, ladies,
we’re losing the light
which I paint.
EDDIE:
All right,
here they come.
Play it cool.
Charlie?
What are you doing here?
Oh, hey.
– Oh, sorry.
– Oh, sorry.
– You touched my hand.
– I touched your hand.
CHARLIE:
I know I touched…
Okay.
What are you
doing here?
I saw a job listing online
and I needed a quick job,
– so…
– Oh.
– Awesome.
– Yeah.
What part
are you playing?
They have me
as fresh human victim
white male number one.
Yeah. I feel pretty good
about that one.
And you’re– I mean,
you are white and a male.
– Yeah.
– EDDIE:
Charlie,
please don’t do
this to me.
Can you just focus
on Jessica, please?
Oh, yeah, Jessica
you look great.
You look– you look
like my cousin
and she’s a model.
She’s really hot.
– Okay.
– EDDIE:
Sick. Sick pick-up lines, bro.
CHARLIE:
She’s my cousin,
she’s not hot. She’s–
– EDDIE:
God.
– — people say she’s hot.
I don’t say
she’s hot.
– Cool.
– Go on.
This is getting better.
She models for Sears.
– Smooth.
– Good for her.
Like in front of–
she’s showing
the refrigerator’s…
Stop.
Yeah, she’s really
hot– I mean…
– That’s cool.
– MAN:
Hey!
Can we stop
and at least get back
into places, please?
Pictures up.
All right, take 40
and we’re going again.
This guy’s
a weirdo.
(zombie sounds)
MAN:
I can’t believe
you zombies are back.
We’re going to go
on a killing spree again.
We will get
to the bottom of this soon.
I can feel it.
– Here.
– But first,
we should investigate
that shadowy rundown building–
– Agreed.
– — with blood
all over the door.
Agreed.
We should do that.
We should.
EDDIE:
Hey, so I was thinking
about your comic idea

and I got
to be honest.
You love it.
No. No. No. No.
It needs work.
A lot of work.
Come on, man.
Who doesn’t love
a 480-page comic parable
about the capitalist system
trying to destroy
the will of its people?
Probably everyone.
Look, you should just do
a comic about us.
– Us?
– Yeah, come on.
Think about it.
You have a ghost
for a roommate, right?
– Yeah.
– No other story has that.
It’s basically
the best story ever.
Yeah. Great.
No, thanks for the idea,
but not really my thing.
What are they doing?
CHARLIE:
Hey, what are
you guys doing?
SAM:
We’re having
a blinking contest.
To see who can have most
blinks in fifteen seconds.
We’re trying to set
a new world record.
– What’s the record?
– Fifty.
I set it last week.
To be fair,
I have no real idea
if that count
is accurate
’cause I can’t blink
and count her blinks
at the same time.
Excuse me,
are you calling me a liar?
No, I’m just saying
it’s unverified
at the moment
until we can get an outside,
non-partial governing body
to rule on it.
I can count
if you guys want.
Perfect.
Charlie can count.
– Yeah. Fine.
– I’ll help.
– Great.
– JESSICA:
Ready?
– SAM:
Ready.
– JESSICA:
One, two, three.
BOTH:
Go!
CHARLIE:
Wait, am I counting
the seconds
– or the blinks?
– The blinks.
– Whose?
– Both of ours.
Wait, can you guys
start over?
No, we can’t start over.
It’s too late.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Time’s up.
– So who won?
– Yeah, who won?
Jessica.
– Sam.
– SAM:
Yes!
No!
Oh, my God,
you are such a liar.
CHARLIE:
No. She was faster.
I totally won.
I totally won.
Yay!
Hey, Charlie,
can you take
a picture of us
to commemorate
this momentous victory?
Sure.
Mind if I squeeze in?
Whatever.
– CHARLIE:
On your hair.
– JESSICA:
Ready? Say brains.
– Brains.
– Brains.
Ah. I didn’t know
zombies had phones.
Cut!
Is that guy ever not
a douche bag?
MAN:
Coffee.

Pick it up.
– JESSICA:
It’s amazing.
– CHARLIE:
Why’s your tongue out?
JESSICA:
I don’t know.
I’m being scary.
SAM:
(Indistinct)
new born baby.
I can’t believe you guys
get to do that for a living.
Yeah, you should
come back sometime.
Yeah.
Anyways,
we’re this way so…
Cool.
I’m over here.
– JESSICA:
Cool.
– So, yeah.
SAM:
Do you think you could
send us that picture
with your phone?
Get Jessica’s number.
Sure.
Jessica, do you think
I could get your number?
– Sure.
– CHARLIE:
Yeah.
Make a little more–
a little more of a connection
’cause we have
this deal, man.
Yeah. It was great
hanging out with you.
You’re really,
really funny.
Thanks, Charlie.
– Okay.
– All right.
See you guys.
– Bye.
– Bye, Sam.
You should totally
ask him out.
– I don’t know.
– JESSICA:
Yeah.
Ask her to
hang out tomorrow.
I don’t know.
This whole thing is weird.
No, no, no, trust me.
This will work.
JESSICA:
Come on. That’d be
really good for you.
I can’t.
Fine.
– Hey, do you wanna…
– Hang out tomorrow?
Yeah, great!
What do you have in mind?
Tell her
it’s a surprise.
It’s a surprise.
I’ll just text you.
Okay. Cool.
– We’ll see you then.
– All right.
Yeah, catch you
on the side–
yeah, the flip side.
Okay.
– See.
– Dude, that was perfect.
– You were great.
– That was weird.
Okay.
Now that she accepted
a date with you,
she’s got to be over me.
We are good to go.
Let’s do this, T-Pain.
Take me home.
Oh, dude,
I can feel it already.
Oh, it feels great.
Nothing’s happening.
What?
No.
Why are you doing
this to me, T-Pain?
Huh?
What do I need to do?
Is it like
a stupid movie fairy tale
where she has
to kiss someone else
to get over me?
Oh, come on.
No.
You know what, T-Pain?
You’re making this real
difficult on me, okay?
I’m not buying anymore
of your music.
(music playing)
WOMAN:
(singing in foreign language)
So, are you sure
I shouldn’t have
worn socks?
No, you heard Sam,
chicks dig ankle skin.
Yeah, I think
she was being sarcastic.
She’s pretty cool
though, right?
– Sam?
– Yeah.
I don’t know. I mean
she’s friends with Jessica
so I guess she’s cool
by association.
So, do you know
if she has, like,
a boyfriend
or something?
Oh, you like Sam?
Oh no, this is perfect.
Yeah, once you kiss her
grieving best friend,

you should totally
ask her out.

Oh, speaking
of which.
– Hey.
– Hey.
– SAM:
Hey.
– You guys made it.
Yeah,
this is awesome.
Sam, you look pretty.
Thanks.
Dude, Jessica.
Jessica,
you look good.
Your hair looks good.
Oh, thanks.
You have a lot of hair.
You look– it’s,
like, really healthy.
– That’s the best you got?
– Like, you’re a–
you’re a healthy girl.
– Thank you.
– You’re terrible at this.
– You’re really
terrible at this.
– JESSICA:
Anyways,
this place
is amazing.
Actually, Eddie
always wanted
to come to one
of these.
Yeah, I know this DJ
and he hooks me up
with cool stuff
like this, so…
Cool.
He’s actually DJing
right now.
– Oh.
– CHARLIE:
Yeah.
Cool, huh?
– JESSICA:
Yeah, DJs are always cool.
MAN:
If I can have your attention.

This evening’s performance
of the The Notebook Live,
Bollywood Style
begins now.
Cool.
MAN:
I’m poor and unworthy
You can tell
by my scruffy beard

WOMAN:
You’re exactly everything
That my rich parents
ever feared

MAN:
You will fly with me
Through the raindrops
WOMAN:
And I’ll write on you
With words
MAN:
For I am your notebook
WOMAN:
And I am a bird
MAN:
For I am your notebook
WOMAN:
And I am a bird
(crowd applause)
(music playing)
(cheers and applause)
I think I’m just going
to sit this next one out.
(music playing)
WOMAN:
(singing in foreign language)
(music playing)
I’ll be right back.
Okay.
Why aren’t you out there
dancing with us, man?
We’re having
a great time.
I’m good,
right here.
Are you okay?
Yeah– I– yeah–
– it’s–
– What’s wrong?
I didn’t really think
about all this stuff
until just now,
you know.
– What stuff?
– EDDIE:
If you kiss her

and this works,
then I’m off
to heaven tonight.
Isn’t that
what you want?
What I want right now
is to dance with her.
– CHARLIE:
I’m sorry, man.
– EDDIE:
You know I wish
that I would have had
some kind of

near-death experience before.
Maybe I would have taken life
a little more seriously.
Well, if it makes you feel
any better,
I– when I was twelve,
I choked on a corn dog
and almost died.
I was, like, pretty much dead
for full two minutes
and I still take
everything for granted.
How do you choke
on a corn dog?
I was trying to see how far
I could fit the corn dog
– in my throat, so–
– Why would a 12-year-old boy
need to try that?
I just wanted to see
if I could fit the full corn dog
in my throat and wrap my lips
around the stick.
Did you?
No, I got three inches in.
What was stopping you
from going the whole way?
I almost died.
Do you not understand
what I’m saying?
– Just three inches?
– No, corn dogs are huge.
I mean, this corn dog was,
like, six inches long.
Isn’t that a standard
corn dog size?
No, it was gigantic.
Maybe you should have started
with a small corn dog
and then
worked your way up.
Can we just stop talking
about this corn dog?
Jesus, I was trying
to give you an example.
Okay. I just think
it’s a little weird, you know?
– It’s not weird.
– Either way,
I’m sure heaven’s
going to be great.
Hey, if this whole thing
doesn’t work out
and you need
somewhere to stay,
you’re more than
welcome to stay
at the apartment
with me.
I mean, there’s plenty
of space and I’m sure
we could learn
to get along, right?
Yeah.
Thanks, Charlie.
But– no really though,
thanks.
That means a lot.
But don’t ever go inside
my body again, okay?
Promise me, you’ll never
do that again.
– Why?
– CHARLIE:
When you left my body,
I almost lost control
of my bowels.
– EDDIE:
Oh.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, it was really bad.

EDDIE:
Well, I’m sorry I did that.
I promise.
Thanks, man.
Okay.
– SAM:
Hey.
– Hey.
They stopped me
from taking a coconut,
– but–
– Yeah?
— here’s a different
souvenir.
Aw, thank you.
I have to pee.
Oh, okay.
Alright.
– SAM:
Hey, sorry.
I laugh when I get
uncomfortable.
Yeah.
– Down.
– Okay. I got to pee.
That’s– okay.
– Yeah.
– Okay, here we go.
Ask her to dance.
– No.
– No? I’m sorry,
you don’t have
a choice.
Oh.
– Jessica…
– Hi.
Do you want
to dance with me?
– Yeah, sure.
– Yeah, great. Okay.
– All right.
– JESSICA:
Yeah.
Yay.
WOMAN:
(singing in foreign language)
Okay. No.
This is fun.
Yeah, thanks
for inviting us.
– Yeah, yeah.
– Charlie, what are you doing?
This is not romantic.
You’re dancing
like a middle-schooler.
You’re not even looking
at her in the eyes.

How are you supposed to kiss her
if you’re not looking at her
in the eyes?
So you’re just going
to keep dancing like that?
– Merry-go-round.
– EDDIE:
Dude, can you please–
like seriously–
– Yeah.
– Oh.
– — just bring some T-pain
into this, you know.
Bring some sexy.
Thanks for doing this.
It’s great.
I really haven’t
left the house much.
It’s nice to do
something fun.
EDDIE:
Dude, can you please
just do this?
I– trust me,
I don’t want this,

you don’t want this,
so, please,
just do it.
– No.
– What? Did you–
– did you say something?
– EDDIE:
Come on, man.
Nothing. Not you.
EDDIE:
Dude, this is killing me
all over again.

Will you, please?
– No.
– Sorry, that’s my work ring.
I don’t know why.
Oh my God,
we have to go back to set.
This is ridiculous,
I’m so sorry.
Oh yeah, no.
No problem.
– JESSICA:
We had such
a good time though.
– No, no, no,
this is not okay, dude.
It’s now or never.
You got to do it.

– Shall we do it again sometime?
– Sounds good.
– JESSICA:
When we don’t have to work.
– Fine.
CHARLIE:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
JESSICA:
Yeah.

(disgruntled grunts)
Charlie?
Kiss her.
Charlie?
Charlie, what the–
what the hell are you doing?
– Stop.
– Okay. Kiss.
You promised
you’d never do that again.
Who are you talking to?
You were never going
to do that on your own.
I’m going
to tell her.
– I’m going to tell her.
– Tell me what?
Tell me what?
What are you talking about?
No, no.
– Eddie’s a ghost.
– What?
Eddie’s inside me.
He’s inside me.
I don’t know
– what’s happening.
– Charlie?
You’re a good dancer.
Eddie’s a ghost and–
(disgruntled grunts)
Charlie’s
a compulsive liar.
He likes to put corn dogs
in his throat.
What?
I did bad.
Oh, God.
You ruined it, man.
Eddie is a ghost
that only I can see
and he needs me
to kiss you

so he can finish
his unfinished business
here on earth
and go to heaven.
– What?
– I’m serious,
you have to listen to me.
You’re insane.
I– don’t contact me,
ever again.
Wait. Sam, Sam wait.
Bye, Charlie.
Sam.
I told you not to tell them.
Hey. Don’t talk to me.
– We need to catch–
– Don’t–
what?
Okay, Charlie.
Come on.
CHARLIE:
You promised you’d never
do that again.
You have no idea
what that feels like
on your body.
You made me shart
in front of Sam
and I had just eaten
a roast beef sandwich.
I’m sorry, but how else
was I supposed to get to heaven?
Oh, my God.
Eddie, ever since I met you,
it’s been all about you.
That’s not true,
I let you wear my suit.
Yeah, because you said
my shirt sucked
and I looked
like an idiot.
You did.
Great.
I look like an idiot.
Thanks.
Okay, what about the list?
I don’t care
about your stupid list.
I hope you’re stuck here
in purgatory forever.
You don’t deserve
to go to heaven.
Okay, you know what?
Your cartoon sucks.
Okay? You probably
deserved to be fired.
I wasn’t fired.
I quit.
Why?
They wanted to change
my opossum into a raccoon
cause they thought
it would be more funny.
That was it?
That was the–
that was the one thing?
CHARLIE:
Yeah.
Over Lord Oppressed Opossum
isn’t just about being funny,
it’s about dealing
with real serious issues.
Why can’t a raccoon deal
with serious issues?
– No, raccoons suck.
– They’re both marsupials.
Oh my God,
do you not understand
my concept at all?
Capitalism has nothing to do
with raccoons,
it’s all about opossums.
Well if you think about it,
because a raccoon’s eyes
they kind of represent robbers,
that would be more
of a classification
of like capitalist’s system
than socialism because
they’re robbing from people,
– you know.
– No, you clearly know nothing
about marsupials,
you don’t have–
you don’t know
how they represent
each factor
of the government.
– Yeah, I don’t get it.
– CHARLIE:
So I left.
Just like I’m doing now.
Okay, yeah sure.
Leave.
I can do it myself, okay?
Charlie, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no dude,
– you can’t leave.
– Please leave me alone.
Okay, you’re right.
I’m a horrible person.
I get that now.
I spent $10,000
of your own money
on a stupid concert ticket
and I might have downloaded
a lot of really strange porn
on your tablet
and it’s probably really, really
full of bugs right now.
– Great, move.
– And asking you to kiss Jessica
was obviously
the worst idea ever

because I’m still
in love with her.

What?
EDDIE:
She’s not off the list
’cause she couldn’t let me go.

I think it’s
the other way around.
I’m not over her.
Now I screwed that up
and there’s no way
I could fix it
and if that’s the case,
I can’t lose you, too.
You’re my best friend.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I think
there is something
I should admit, too.
I think you’re
my only friend.
Oh, I mean yeah,
obviously.
I mean the only other guy
I ever saw you with
was that weird
death metal guy
so…
Okay, come on.
What?
Where are you going?
I got a plan
or something.
– Come on.
– A plan or something?
Yeah, that sounds like a–
that sounds great.
CHARLIE:
It’s a good one.
It’s a good plan.
EDDIE:
Do you want me
to bring the broom?
CHARLIE:
Yeah– no.
Throw it on the ground.
Yeah, we don’t
need that.
(music playing)
MAN:
I can’t believe
that these zombies are back
and on a killing spree
again.
We will get to the bottom
of this soon.
I can feel it.
Here?
Here.
MAN:
Cut! Brilliant!

Excellent!
Great job, guys!
You know,
I just want to commend you.
This has been
a marvelous experience.
You guys just held together.
We came into this scene,
we knew it could have been easy,
but it wasn’t.
And we had just persevered,
we stuck together
like a real team,
and we survived
the lawsuits
and the debts, and I would
go to war with each
and every one of you guys.
Just so proud
my heart is like
about to explode.
So we’re going
to do this three more times.
And this time,
I need a more subtle

touching of the heart
and a impending dread
with a little bit of joy.
You think this
thing’s loaded?
Okay.
Let’s take ten.
Let’s take twenty.
I’ll be in my trailer,
meditating.
Come on.
You know, this isn’t
going to work.
She thinks
you’re crazy.
(sighs)
JESSICA:
Were you actually just asleep?

SAM:
I’ve been practicing
lowering my heart rate,
so I could look dead.
– Okay.
– Yeah,
my mom found me passed out
behind the toilet.
Okay well,
Sam, don’t die.
Don’t talk to me.
Oh my God.
SAM:
Get out of here, dude.
I know,
I know, I know–
I know you think
I’m crazy
but I have a message
from Eddie
– that you need to hear.
– Okay, stop.
Just stop.
All right?
He’s dead. He’s not
some ghost that talks to you.
You’re out of your mind.
You’re nuts.
– CHARLIE:
Okay, okay.
– Just tell her.
Then how would I know
that he and his dad
stopped talking
because his mom left
and started a new family?
You’re a weirdo stalker
who probably knows
a lot of weird things
about him.
Okay, okay, okay.
Then, how would I know
that he only wore
that stupid bacon tie
because it was
a family tradition
and he wanted to feel
closer to his dad?
They were both wearing them
at the funeral, all right?
– Come on
– CHARLIE:
Okay, no, no, no you’re right,
you’re right.
But, how would I know
that when he asked you
to move in with him,
you turned him down not
because you didn’t want to,

but, because he said soon.
I don’t know
what’s going on here.
You really need to leave.
SAM:
Come, on.
Have some respect, Charlie.
You’re making her
really upset.
He’s dead.
Okay, he’s dead.
Just leave me alone.
Okay, you’re right.
Sorry.
Wait?
No, that’s it?
Yes,
she doesn’t believe me.
Oh my God, she’s being such
a penultimate dick right now.
That’s not
how you use penultimate.
Wait,
what did you say?
(sighs)
He wants me
to tell you
you’re being a penultimate
dick right now.
It’s impossible.
No one else misuses
the word penultimate
time and time again
despite being corrected.
Is he–
is he really here?
She believes you.
Yes, yes.
He’s right here.
Do you want
to tell her something?
Tell her,
I’m sorry
for not realizing
how great our love was
when we had it.
He says,
he’s sorry
for not realizing
how good your love was
when you had it.
Tell her,
I’m sorry
I thought I was right
all the time
even though, I was
most of the time.
He’s sorry
he thought
he was right
all the time
even though
he really never was.
It means a lot.
And I’m sorry
that I let you eat
that gas station burrito
in Fresno
and laughed at you
when you crapped your pants.
He’s sorry he let you eat
that gas station burrito
in Fresno
and laughed at you
when you crapped your pants.
That was actually
really funny.
What is going on?
But most importantly…
He’s walking toward you.
Yeah.
I’m sorry never told you,
I love you
because it’s all
I ever thought about
every time
I ever saw you.
CHARLIE:
And most importantly,
he wants me to tell you

he’s sorry he never told you
he loved you.

Eddie?
I love you, Jessica.
I love you, Ed.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Eddie, what’s good buddy?
– T-Pain.
– What’s the deal man?
It’s your time.
You ready to roll?
Hell yeah,
T-Pain.
Sorry we ruined your party,
T-Pain.
Aw, it’s all good, man.
I wasn’t worried about that.
Just keep doing you, buddy.
EDDIE:
All right, beam me up T-Pain.

Thanks for everything,
Charlie.
You really are
my best friend.
I will never forgive you
for maxing out my credit card.
EDDIE:
Oh, yeah about that,

I put twenty grand
in a duffle bag
under your bed.
Really?
Yeah, but don’t ever spend it,
it’s super traceable.
– What?
– EDDIE:
All right. Let’s go, T-Pain.
Oh yeah, and say goodbye
to Jess for me.
Man, go ahead
and tell her yourself.
Boop.
– Eddie?
– EDDIE:
Hey, Jessica.
Where are you going?
I’m going to heaven.
Is that T-Pain?
Aw, what’s up
beautiful baby?
– Hi, T-Pain.
– T-PAIN:
Yeah, it’s your boy.
Now, let me tell ya
something though, Eddie,
I don’t know
how you got a girl that fine.
– No idea.
– T-PAIN:
But, kudos, homie.
EDDIE:
Bye, Jess.

I’ll always love you.
Love you too, Ed.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
But, feel free
to see other people
’cause I guess,
it would be kind of weird
if you just gave up dating
all together

but don’t tell me
right now though

’cause I’ll probably
just get super jealous
then I’ll just want
to haunt you for the rest
of your life, so…
Okay. Yeah,
I wasn’t planning on it.
And also, don’t date Charlie
that’d be like super weird.
Plus, I hear
he pees in bottles.
That wasn’t pee.
SAM:
Who are you talking to?
T-Pain and Eddie,
there’s a portal.
It’s a lot
going on right now.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
one last important thing.
What?
What is it?
I did not die
by autoerotic asphyxiation.
I choked on my tie.
Than why
were your pants down?
And why were you watching
The Skin Channel?
Okay. It’s just
very complicated, I got to go.
So, not a pervert okay?
Love you, guys. Bye.
– Bye.
– Bye.
Woo!
Heaven!
– Bye, Eddie.
Yeah.
Alright, yeah!
Woo!
Ah.
So– uh…
I’m going to go–
– Yeah.
– — think about this–
Yeah.
— for like a year.
Okay.
I guess,
I’ll just go home then.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Wait.
So,
Eddie
was really a ghost?
Yeah.
How come you were
the only one
who could see him?
I don’t know.
Well,
where are all
the other ghosts?
I have no answers
to any of this
but maybe
we can discuss
over coffee?
– Okay.
– Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
(music playing)
(music playing)
CHARLIE:
Do you think I should add
like a blue glow
around them
to really sell it?
– Yes.
– All right, cool.
It would make them
a little translucent.
Okay.
That’s what
he looks like, right?
No.
Wait, you never–
you never saw
what he looked like,
huh?
– No.
– Oh.
– Well, not his ghost form.
– Right. Everyone thinks
that ghosts
they’re going to be
like translucent
or whatever,
but, you know,
they just look like
– a normal person.
– Uh-hmm.
Well, make him
translucent in this.

Yeah,
I think I will.
– How’s that?
– SAM:
That looks really good.
– Good?
– Yeah, I like it a lot.
Thanks.
It’s like– stop.
So…
Sam.
Jesus Christ.
– What?
– Hey, buddy.
Eddie,
what are you doing here?
Got a job.
I’m your guardian angel.
– Cool.
– Eddie’s here?
EDDIE:
Yeah. Apparently,
you’re highly likely
to die this year so,
I’m here to help you out.
I’m just kidding.
Or am I?
SAM:
Oh, hey, Eddie I was thinking.
So, why don’t you just
cover yourself with a sheet
and then
everyone could see you?
It seems like it would’ve
made things a lot easier.
– Goddamn it
– Goddamn it
(music playing)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *