Hasan Applies For A Job At The CIA | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Hasan Applies For A Job At The CIA | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix


Hey everyone, it’s Hasan Minhaj.
Now that Patriot Act is on break,
I really don’t know
what to do with myself.
I mean, you guys know this:
my entire life is just
hand gestures and LED screens.
So, with all my free time,
I’ve actually just
been scrolling
through job listings
on the internet –
just so I could find
something to do.
And I came across this open call
for a graphic
designer at the CIA.
This is 100% real –
I’m not making this up.
They’re looking for a
graphic designer at the CIA.
So, I decided to apply.
Now, you’re probably thinking,
“Hasan, you can’t work at
the CIA. You’re not qualified.”
Trust me.
Muslims and the CIA –
we’re like this.
“After 9/11,
the NYPD actually brought in
two senior officials from the CIA
to run a program to
spy on its own citizens.”
“They visited bookstores.
They visited cafes.
They visited hookah joints and,
of course, they visited mosques.”
Some people saw this
and were horrified.
They were like, “Wait.
The CIA is spying on us?”
But I saw this and I was like,
“I can go to the
Mosque and get paid?”
Usually I’m donating money.
I didn’t know I could make it back.
I am telling you I’m
gonna get this job.
I don’t want to be cocky,
but the CIA loves brown people.
Just look at one of
their recruitment videos
from their website.
“Now, you might have
thought that all CIA employees
are men who went
to Ivy League schools.
But,
nothing could be
further from the truth.
Diversity really works at the CIA.
I’ve been able to combine my
education and my heritage
as an economic analyst whose
focus is middle eastern affairs.”
Look how optimistic he is, he’s like,
“You know what man, the CIA just
cares so much about my heritage.
They even had me wear
a wire around my dad.
They just love Iranian culture.”
So, the job posting says they are
looking for someone who can
“shape and lead solutions
to data visualization
in an increasingly complex
and changing
technological environment.”
CIA,
have you seen our show?
“15.5.%”
“463%.”
“Thirty grand.”
“3,000 miles!”
“168.”
“1 trillion dollars.”
“Nine.”
Alright, let’s get down to business.
For the application,
the CIA wants five examples
of my graphic design work.
And you guys know me –
I’m an overachiever.
So, for my first three samples –
I’m going to devote them
to the CIA’s long history
of enhanced interrogation.
Fun fact: in 2005,
the CIA destroyed a bunch
of tapes depicting torture.
I don’t know why.
So, I did my best to recreate what
was allegedly on those tapes
using minimalism
and primary colors.
Almost like an
airline safety brochure.
Let’s take a look
at some of my work.
So, over here we’ve got
‘putting bags over people’s heads.’
Now, for clarity
I added a speech
bubble right here
where the guy’s screaming:
“What about the
Geneva convention?”
We’ve also got them putting
someone in a small box
for hours on end.
Now, if you look at the colors
on the box, they’re great.
And you can also just see—
just the fear in his eyes
as he’s going into the box
’cause you know he’s never
going to see his family again.
And of course,
I just captured
their signature move:
waterboarding.
Now, to the rest of the world,
this is considered
torture and it’s illegal.
But to the CIA,
this is just a
teambuilding exercise.
It’s kind of like
their trust fall.
They’re like, “Trust us,
you’re not actually drowning.”
So, for my next two samples,
I decided to give CIA.gov
a complete makeover.
Specifically,
The CIA “Kids’ Zone,”
which is a part of their website
with games and puzzles,
apparently for children.
‘Cause we all remember growing
up and hearing our moms go,
“Hey, if you finish your homework,
you can go to CIA.gov
backslash kids’ page.”
And you’d be like, “Really, Mom?”
And she’d be like, “Only for an hour!”
A lot of the games feature this
CIA agent character named Ava,
who looks like a cross between
Carmen Sandiego and The Babadook.
They have these coloring books
where Ava’s doing things like
boarding a plane,
or standing outside
of CIA headquarters,
which is objectively boring.
Come on, CIA.
If you want to get kids excited
about your organization –
You gotta give ’em the real shit.
So, I wanted to show off my work–
So, these are a couple of
things that I’ve done by hand:
This, over here
is Ava getting a
forced confession
at an undisclosed
black site in Thailand.
So, Ava’s got the power drill
‘cause we know she’s a badass.
But she’s holding it up
to this guy’s knee like
*drill sound effects*
And then this guy over here
is like, “Please! I’m innocent!”
And Ava’s like, “I know!”
And then this is Gabe over here.
Gabe is an intern. He goes to NYU.
He’s getting college credit for this.
Now, the sad thing is– is Gabe
thinks he can use this on his reel
but they’re gonna
probably destroy this tape later
‘cause it’s torture.
Also, if you look at his face,
there’s just anxiety in the
lower region of his mouth
because he doesn’t
know if he’s in Thailand
or if he’s in Guantanamo Bay.
Kids can go crazy.
Uh, this is my next one.
So, this one right here is a
personal passion project of mine.
This is Ava
trying to recruit some informants
at a mosque in New York.
So, as you can see right here,
Ava’s in the back of the mosque–
She’s very enterprising.
She’s in the male section of
the mosque during prayer.
I told you guys – Ava’s a badass.
Now, Ava knows that
she can’t break this guy.
This is Abdullah.
Abdullah’s a real believer.
Look how I made his mouth –
his mouth is like a little bead,
like, “Hm, I’m not saying anything.”
Boom, she scans over
here and she sees this kid.
He’d crack for a can of soda.
She’s like, “Ali, I have a Pepsi!”
And he’s like, “Please! I’ll
do anything for a Pepsi!”
Look at his eyes.
He’s like, “Give me Pepsi!”
So that’s real fun and
it’s aesthetically pleasing.
And that’s really what
the CIA Kids’ Zone is all about.
So that’s my portfolio!
Just so you guys know –
I wanna spread the love.
The job listing is still live,
so go to the video
description below
and the link so you can
apply will be right there.
Or you can just walk
into your local mosque
and just start reading
your resume out loud.
someone who looks like Ava
will tap you on the shoulder –
She’ll have a shoe-phone –
And she’ll say,
“Can I see your portfolio?”

100 thoughts on “Hasan Applies For A Job At The CIA | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix”

  1. "Pleeease give me Pepsiii" lol.

    Yo but why did the pen move by itself 5:08 he never touches it … 0.0

  2. This monkey 🙈 is so stupid. Ha,ha.You dingo go and see your face in the mirror. You are so pathetic and primitive. Looking at you makes me 😁 laugh.

  3. Netflix…those are the people with absolutely no opinion on that draconian abortion legislation in Georgia where they film half their stuff, right?

  4. "I DIDNT KNOW I CAN EARN IT BACK!!!"
    this is when you know that the person is 100% certified Indian guy as he is brilliant with economics/costing/accounts

  5. This guy is a genius. Someone should ask Hasan to create a sequel of the movie Paul (the hilarious alien movie) and throw in a few Muslim characters in the movie. Maybe call the movie (John) Paul II in which a pope dies tries to go to heaven and gets lost in the wrong wormhole. They return his body to Earth but it’s too late. There’s already a pope. In fact there’s even another pope (retired). It could get crazy from there.

  6. i cant apply 🙁 i'm too white to spy on a mosque. every "brown" mosque i been in i get approached by people trying to find out if im a recent convert cia or other. smh white muslims are chopped meat …WS doesnt care when we get massacred and BLM doesnt even know we be here

  7. What's funnier is that the planes Ava boards is a cargo variant meaning it's probably a mobile black site. Boy, that kids page is fun!

  8. I've never really been a fan of your but I enjoyed this. I think you've won me over. You have a new fan.

  9. Those are not primary colors… orange is a secondary color. Brown is a tertiary or a composite color. Primary colors are red, blue, and yellow.

  10. and Subscribed! I wanna see what happens next! Especially, since Avengers Endgame is over.

  11. The funniest thing is you don't know if he's joking or he's actually being real..
    🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

  12. If only we were the only state that tortures.
    A worldwide torture ban, including for our own state could get more support than a movement that concentrates on single state.

  13. I know you're not a fan of Trump, but could you please make a video about how Brennan, Clapper and a few rogue FBI agents coordinated with Fusion GPS (Nellie Ohr is a CIA agent) and colluded with foreign government agents (UK) who bought false information from Russians to fabricate the dossier which was used as the primary reason for 4 FISA warrants. They also used a professor to fabricate and leak stories about a Russian bank pinging Trump tower as another excuse. They set up several US intel agents in sting operations to entrap Trump also. Downer, Halper and Mifsud were all intelligence stings. Even the Trump Tower Russian attorney meeting was coordinated by Glenn Simpson of Fusion GPS.
    Anyway, it would be cool to see your graphs on the largest scandal in US history that the entirety of MSM is downplaying.

  14. What if Hasan actually works for the CIA and his job is to tell us all this stuff to distract us from what they really don't want us to know?

  15. I completely agree with Hasan with all reformative information but I also want to say its convenient to ask questions but extremely difficult to make change happen.

  16. Just put I'man llllllllllldian millenials! and boom, you're tech sup poo and you get the koo on automatically.

  17. Intensely talented DUDE 😎 ! I'm so impressed by everything he creates. Simply AMAZING! ❤ Hey Hassan, Eid Mubarak 🎉🎊

  18. "They just love Iranian culture!"

    The sad thing is the CIA does.. or, at least did, understand Iranian culture to the core. I mean, they successfully toppled Iran's democratically-elected government in the past. That requires strong comprehension of the country's inner working.

    Or maybe, I am just giving the CIA too much credit and they probably just bribed govt officials. I don't know how intelligence works.

  19. Someone needs to tell him it's forward Slash not backward slash…. He said the same thing in another video as well

  20. I'm going to apply to the cia; and just write "you made me, now pay me"; this is fairly true, on the truth spectrum so, figure it is worth a shot.

  21. U can always get out n make your hejra to mecca or to my city kashmere. U muslim. U ain't Iranian. Iranian have mild look not like u too dark 4 iranian. Dont complain about torture Muslims behead ppl for anything.

  22. Wish I had a pseudonym and the conscience that allowed me to comment anonymously: I could really tell you Hasan (you are very sincere, so I so value knowing I got to see a human like you before I die – I am old and long for death as hypocrisy turns me off so bad: hope you are for real) some serious stuff that I'd love you to build your jokes on … that would make people laugh and the community of "Intelligence" agencies very nervous. That might be something you will have to deal with but you always had me to point at … I'd be dead by the time someone can "ketchup" ( FYI this is a reference to the joke in movie Pulp Fiction of Quentin Tarantino … I think people massively fail to understand that movie – at least the people in power). Give it a thought I used the phrase
    'someone can "ketchup"
    thoughtfully.
    Anyway as I see you (I don't want to meet you because you are already doing better than I could suggest: what's the point in meeting a person who doesn't lack in things I could help with … human loyalty, given the ton of pressure points we humans have is to ask for too much … though I love to be faithful as a dog to the weak and helpless) I think may be humanity will dodge the bullets should the masses AND ESPECIALLY those with power learn the simple thing called being straightforward (that is, to tell one's ownself the truth about one's own acts, thoughts & motives to the best of ones ability at the time: that does not mean to be a good person or to drop truth-bombs or tell anyone what one wants to conceal: simply just one should know how tricky one's own self impression is and remember that even Hitler thought he was not doing anything wrong). I know every single human has excellent aesthetics and after telling one's self one's own version of truth to one's best ability human aesthetics create a genuine desire to make things beautiful (laughter of course is a 'mark' of beauty as is empathy).
    Who knows humans might for once give a chance to a person who long back said
    "love your enemy, there is no merit in loving your friends"
    or the same soul had much earlier tried suggesting
    "hatred never ends hatred".
    You take care of your heart Hasan … rest doesn't matter.

    P.S. Thank you for listening to your heart. You did me a personal favour and I don't think I can do anything for you ( you as an individual person) in exchange.

  23. Well if he disappears one of two things has happened..He got the job or well won't say it. They are now monitoring all his content 😂😂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *