Hey everyone, it’s Hasan.
I’m back to read some
more Youtube comments
because I was feeling
too good about myself.
Let’s get right into it.
Solid BM: “How do I fake my own death?”
The first thing you should not do
is comment on Youtube videos
if you’re trying to go off the grid.
So, Solid BM, you already
fucked up. Sorry.
SirSaxy writes: “Hasan Minhaj=if
Urban Dictionary were a person.”
What does that actually–
I have no idea what that means.
“Najme Minhaj deserves
his own show.”
This is the Najme Minhaj show.
And we’re all just characters in it.
This is actually–
Actually, I have another idea.
What if my dad had a show?
It would be like, “Welcome to
Costco Deals with Najme Minhaj.
I’m your host Najme Minhaj.
I go to Costco every weekend
even though there’s only two people
living at home in Sacramento.
Um, today I’m going to talk
about how you can get
as many chicken nuggets as you want if
you do enough laps around Costco.”
That’d be a great show.
“Why does Hasan always look like he’s
asking me to pass him the basketball?”
Give me the rock.
Stop being a ball hog.
Okay, first of all, ‘Andy
FoxHound’ sounds like
in a Netflix Original movie.
It’d be like, “Claire, what’s wrong?”
“Andy FoxHound broke up with me.”
“Fuck you, Andy FoxHound.”
And then at the end of the movie, Andy
FoxHound comes up to the girl and is like,
“I’m so sorry, like…I just realized
I was being a huge jerk.”
And they’re like, “Fuck you, Foxhound!”
Let’s be honest. Andy Foxhound
would be played by none other than
A lot of people–
You guys are giving me the ‘double s,’
which, I’m a single s.
“We need an episode of Patriot Act
with Hasan’s hair all messed up.”
I don’t know if you guys know
this, but I just woke up.
This is my messy hair look.
I actually want a ponytail.
I feel like if I had a ponytail it would just
completely change the late night game up.
I’d be the first late night host in history
with a straight up ponytail.
It’d be amazing.
And I’d let it hang here
over my left shoulder.
I would adjust it. Even when
I’m moving around on stage.
I would just adjust it right here.
It’d be awesome.
Abey R Hurtis writes: “Do you read
all the comments?
Yeah, of course I read the comments.
What do you think I do in my spare time?
All I do is I record an episode,
then I go into a room.
I close the door.
I lock the door.
I open up Mozilla Firefox.
I go to Youtube.com/patriotact,
then I click on a video and
I read every single comment.
And that’s what I did on The Daily Show,
too, even though I wasn’t in every segment.
I would just read every comment
and then I would relay it to Trevor.
Jay Pazare writes: “Hasan’s serious
face always looks like
he’s letting out a silent fart.”
*sniffs* Sorry about that.
CodeName Prince writes: “Ten percent
luck. Twenty percent skill.
Fifteen percent concentrated
power of will. Five percent pleasure.
Fifty percent pain. One hundred
percent reason to remember the name.”
The sad part is–
I know exactly what
you’re talking about.
I’m really fucking corny. Goddamnit.
And one hundred percent reason to
remember the name – Najme Minhaj.
This week on “Costco Deals.”
Costco-branded naan bread –
it’s really good.
Especially when you put
it in the toaster oven.
That’s what my dad told
me this past weekend.
Amitha Alex: “Two weeks ago –
Hasan: My SAT score was 1310 and
I lived at home during college.”
My SAT score was 1310 and
I lived at home during college.
I can’t help it.
I just have to let the world know.
Salman Rizvi writes: “Hasan Minhaj is
my second cousin. I swear on God.”
Salman, you owe you me $200.
Hamed Shah writes: “Hasan,
when will you do a face reveal?”
I don’t know what that means.
Is that a thing?
Josh writes: “Jesus loves you.”
Josh, thank you so much.
That’s good to know.
OneAndOnlyTyker: “How much
do I love Hasan?
I can’t count to infinity, nah,
but that’s how much.”
I think that might be too much.
My wife doesn’t even love
me that much, so…
you gotta just take it down.
Ireynne Diaz-Carnero writes:
“I have zero experience in comedy,
other than my tragic life, but
I’ll gladly guest host anytime.”
I’m so sorry to let you know this,
but you cannot host the show.
We have a long list of guest hosts
that will take over the show
in the event of anything
happening to me.
First, it’s my dad, Najme.
Then, we have Dwyane Wade.
And then, Bob Barker,
who is still alive
and is in contract to host the show
in third position, so, I’m sorry.
Naveen Ram: “Hasan and
the Patriot Act team…
how can high schoolers get into
this sort of comedic journalism stuff?
Love the show, by the way.”
I would say– this is just,
there’s no joke here.
But, I would say…
you can either go the comedy route.
So, start performing comedy
in your local city,
whether it’s your high
school or your college.
And then start doing
either improv or stand-up.
And then build within that.
You start meeting friends; you
start submitting writing packets
and then you can get
a job in late night.
Um, if you’re trying to do
the journalism thing,
you can start in high
school and in college
writing for your school newspaper.
And then there’s a lot of
once you leave college and
then you go into the real world.
And there’s tons of different
newspapers and digital outlets
that you can apply to work at.
And now, a lot of the comedy jobs
and the research jobs are converging
so it’s an exciting time and I wish
you nothing but the best, Navin.
Aliza Nazir: “He needs to start
advertising for an energy drink brand.
That stuff would fly
off the shelves.”
Uh, a lot of people don’t know this,
but Aliza, we have multiple energY
drinks that are currently being patented.
Here’s our first one:
K, that’s the first one.
Um, this one has alliteration to it –
Okay? That’s the second one.
And then we have
So, the ad that I have in
mind is like, sort of –
put the can here and I’ll go:
*glug glug glug glug*
Your move, Monster Energy Drink.
Thai Guy 001: You’re back, baby!
“Hello to the random
person who reads this.”
Thai Guy, I’ve never
forgotten about you.
I still remember your
Kim Jong Un little avatar.
Thank you for doing this.
Every video – you’re out here.
You’re contributing. You’re liking.
And you write the same
thing every single time,
‘Hello to the random
person who reads this.’
And it just means the world to me.
Out of all the videos in
the world to comment on,
you comment on ours.
And you comment the
same thing. Every single time.
Nazdak Marlow (that’s a great
name): “This episode needs to keep going.
Who told you to make
these 20 minutes?
You want at least 45.
That would kill Prashanth.
Prashanth would die.
Prashanth’s our co-creator
and head writer
and he would kill me if our episodes
were 45 minutes long.
He would also die.
Uh, Alejandra writes: “Boooooooo!
Bring the hand gestures back!
Free the hands from the pockets.”
I want to debut some new hand gestures
that we’re gonna be doing on Patriot Act.
So, we have the salute.
We’ll do the Wakanda Forever.
We’ll do the Italian grandmother.
Here’s me driving a car.
Me trying to read a sign in the
distance even though it’s sunny.
This is me with a plate
of Toaster Strudels.
A blow dryer.
Um, and this is me
casting a fishing line.
This is me reeling it in.
“Hasan really loves his
multiple camera angles.”
First of all,
It changes up
I think it’s great.
Even when it’s unnecessary.
And here’s the crazy part.
There’s a drone!
Just land it.
It’s a safety hazard.
Don’t do that.
Just right there.
Alright, that’s it!
Thank you, guys, so much for
all of your comments
and for watching all of our videos.
I have some good news for you guys.
Sunday, May 12, we return with
brand new episodes of Patriot Act
It’s a very special Mother’s Day treat
for all the mothers out there.
And I hope you guys enjoy
our new episodes.
And I hope you enjoy
Taste the screens.
And here’s a cod.