Prepare for the 50th anniversary of the Bond
with a new film by the director
whose most famous action scene to-date was
Skyfall: the overrated movie that thrilled
audiences worldwide –
only because it was way better than Quantum
Suit up with 007, the super secret MI-6 agent
who everyone knows by his real name.
In an opening so action-packed, you’ll forget
to ask yourself:
Why didn’t the conductor stop this train when
it’s entire back carriage was ripped off?
And why aren’t these people scared?
When Bond is abruptly killed, it’ll only take
the link of one Adele song
before he anticlimactically pops up in the
most secluded corner of the globe
that conveniently has CNN in English.
“Within minutes of the explosion.”
But when Bond returns to the high-stakes world
of espionage, he’s faced with:
“The prime minister’s ordered an inquiry.
You’ll have to appear.”
Judy Dench frowning
… a lot,
and absurdly long landscape shots.
Meet Raoul Silva, the Bond villian we’ve been
… because he doesn’t show up until half
way through the movie.
An antagonist with a plan so complex, he
wants to get caught but makes it nearly impossible
to find him,
knows months ahead of time the exact place
to plant explosives during a chase he didn’t
even know was going to happen,
and makes Bond gay.
“Oh, Mr. Bond.”
Discover the latest in super-secret gadgetry
a shot gun,
an old-timey gun,
and a tracking device larger than the one
Bond used in the 60’s.
“Here’s a nice little transmitting device.
It’s fitted into the heel of your shoe.”
Bond will use these tools to hunt down a terrorist
who stole a list of secret agents.
“The computer drive containing the identity
of almost every NATO agent.”
… which the writers stole from the plot
of Mission Impossible.
A film with action so artsy, you’ll strain
to watch fight scenes shot in total darkness.
An ending so goofy, they just ripped it off
from Home Alone.
And a hero so sexually aggressive, you’ll
isn’t he sort of raping that former child
Fred from Scooby Doo
Random Bond Girl #732
Miss Moneypenny’s black?
and Sexy Voldemort.
Wait, whatever happened to that hard drive
they were looking for?
Wasn’t that the whole point of the movie?
Make sure to subscribe for more Honest Trailers,
and check out last week’s episode where we
get some witches b*tchin’ about the new action
film “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.”
Your feet smell like popcorn.
I sunk your battle ship, b*tch.
Your belly button taste like broccoli… yummy.