I woke up in bed this morning,
which is a good place to do that.
I looked outside and thought, man,
I haven’t gone rock climbing in a really long time.
I live in the mountains. I should do that.
But then the sun came up
and the idea quickly started to fade.
And then I realized it would actually involve moving.
Hmm, if only there were a video game
that I could go rock climbing virtually.
Well, hey, what do you know? There is.
It’s called Extreme Rock Climbing.
By Head Games.
If you are any sort of
with cheap, stupid, bad,
notoriously awful games from the ’90s,
then you will be familiar with Head Games.
They are the same company
that made such wondrous gems
such as Extreme Bull Riding
and Extreme PaintBrawl,
which many sources refer to
as the worst game of all time.
So Head Games has a bit of a reputation.
But what about Extreme Rock Climbing?
You don’t really see it anywhere.
In fact, I’ve hardly ever seen it online.
I bought this in Sam’s Club along
with Extreme Mountain Biking.
A long time ago.
I’ve since lost the box,
so all I have is the CD.
Enough from the faceless man behind the microphone.
Let’s just get to the game.
The game does in fact use a 3dfx renderer.
So it’s a good thing I have a
Voodoo3 card installed on this computer.
And you’ll notice the game is
actually sponsored by PowerBar.
The maker of…
This music is absolutely incredible.
And then you have this voice:
Free Climb, baby…
Capture that sweet little thang…
Goin’ at it alone…
Free– Practice Mode…
Pick your pleasure…
It wins my award for the coolest
video game narrator of all time.
There are quite a few walls to… climb.
That are actually made of rock.
Believe it or not.
So who’s it gonna be…
You also have quite a few climbers to pick from
and I don’t know why.
It doesn’t change the game at all.
It just determines whose butt and back
you will be staring at the entire time.
They have names and ages,
and for some reason astrological signs.
I suppose that’s in case you want
to date one of these polygon models.
First thing you’ll notice is how
freakin’ awesome the animation is.
This is high class stuff right here.
Alright, so the gameplay itself.
Well how do I put this?
Have you ever played any of the Tiger Woods games?
Or pretty much any golf game since…
You use the mouse
to pretty much click where you want to go,
then you click once for the energy
and you click again for the accuracy.
And… that is it.
There’s nothing else really to worry about.
If you’re thinking this can get boring really fast,
you would be perfectly
You can, however, spice up the game a little bit
by keeping up with your heart rate,
which is actually rather important
or you will fall off the wall.
You also need to pay attention
to your grip strength meter.
That will go down unless your
hands are properly chalked,
or you haven’t eaten enough PowerBars.
I kid you not, you have to eat PowerBars
in order to progress.
If you don’t, your heart rate will go way, way up.
You’ll pretty much have a panic attack,
fall off the wall and die.
Well, not really, you just kind of fall standing up and…
you just stand there on the ground,
looking like an idiot.
You can also tack carabiners into the wall
and thread your rope through it along the way,
This provides sort of a checkpoint.
I’m doing the free climb right now,
Where you pretty much have unlimited chalk, carabiners
Thank the heavens for those PowerBars.
Honestly, without those, you could not climb at all.
In fact, I’m surprised this person
can live at all without PowerBars.
If it weren’t for those,
she would probably just
collapse in on herself,
allowing the universe
to collapse along with her.
Eventually, you’ll make your way up the wall.
It usually takes a while,
while balancing out your grip
and PowerBar munching sessions,
as well as inserting those carabiners,
which for some reason takes
approximately 15 seconds.
And the animation is absolutely absurd.
It just keeps going
I don’t know why it takes so long.
The game is actually quite buggy, too.
If you notice, there’s no music here.
Sometimes it just stops.
It actually uses music audio tracks.
Uh, Redbook audio straight off of the CD.
So, sometimes they just don’t play.
If you fall, you get the most
realistic animation I’ve ever seen.
And I’m getting tired of using sarcasm in this video.
Once you finally make it up to the top of the wall,
you get congratulated, and that’s about it.
There’s nothing to unlock.
The rest of the game is just simple variations on that.
One of my favorites here is Capture the Flag.
Where you choose your wall and then choose your path
in order to go up and capture the flags
in no particular order.
You also choose the equipment you’ll have.
Which is rather important.
I think they come in multiples of two or four.
Or three, I’m not really sure.
Once you reach a flag, in order to grab it,
you will need to position it between your legs,
right below your crotch.
Apparently, rock climbers have evolved appendages
just to grab flags off of mountain faces.
You know, that’s fine. Who am I to judge?
Consider it captured!
Also, I have no idea why the guy
exclaims in the manner that he does.
Consider it captured!
That is absolutely unnecessary.
I will, indeed, consider it captured.
Also, this music…
I’m sorry but what in the world is going on?
It seems like an entirely different type
of video game I should be playing.
I’m gonna walk over to you.
You know you’re gonna repel me…
Repel me, baby…
Another interesting part of the game
is the Solo Climb where you don’t have
There are no ropes. There are no nets.
You just completely Cliffhanger this crap.
I don’t think I’ve ever made it to the
top of any of these really big walls,
but I really don’t care.
Extreme Rock Climbing is just that.
Rock climbing, minus the extreme.
Okay, so that doesn’t make any sense.
Is it a bad game?
It’s not horrible.
Is it a good game?
It’s, it’s not really good.
I don’t know.
If you ever happen to run across it, I would pay…
approximately five cents for it.
Anything more and you’re getting ripped off.
It’s not as bad as their paintball or bull riding games,
well, that’s not saying much.