Nick Swardson – Plus One – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Nick Swardson – Plus One – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– Matt is out there,
in fucking his briefs,
like tighty whities,
and he’s with a hooker,
and I’m like, “Hey, Matt.
You gotta go home.”
And the hooker was like,
“Hey, fuck you!
He’s with me!”
[dark electronic music]


[cheers and applause]
– Hello, everybody.
Welcome to
“This is not Happening.”
I’m your host, Ari Shaffir,
and tonight it’s all stories
about romance.
[cheers and applause]
Then, please, help me welcome
a very, very funny man.
You guys will absolutely
love him,
everybody’s friend,
Mr. Nick Swardson, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
– So, I was in Vegas,
which is always
a great start,
and I feel like I’m cheating,
so I sorry for that.
It’s like,
when you tell a story in Vegas
it’s like already
fucking insane.
So it’s like you’re cheating,
but this is one
of my favorite stories ever.
So, uh, my friend had
a CD release party,
hot chick, awesome.
She’s like,
“Hey, I’m having like
my CD release party.”
I don’t know–I don’t know
why she’s a gay guy
all of a sudden, but…
[laughing]
But whatever.
[laughs]
No, she’s–she’s like,
“I’m having my CD release party,
like, you know,
you gotta come.”
I’m like, “Okay,
can I get a plus one?”
And she’s like, “Yeah.”
I’m like,
“Okay, cool.”
And that’s like, you know
when you like get a plus one…
to anything,
but especially with like–
with it’s an–
when it’s an event
where it’s like
something meaningful,
you’re like,
“Okay, who the fuck
am I bringing?”
Like, “Which friend
can fucking handle this,
and not be a disaster?”
You know
what I’m talking about.
It’s like you have to hook up
like, your rolodex of like,
Steve, no.
Rick, no.
Just like, you just have to go
through like all this shit.
So I call my friend Matt.
I’m like, “Right,
dude, we’re going to Vegas.
Like VIP,
fucking CD release party.”
Like,
“Fucking handle your shit.”
He’s like,
“Yeah, totally.”
[laughing]
So we fucking show up,
and we have a VIP booth,
and she’s singing.
She’s like promoting
her album and everything.
And it was
like really cool.
So we’re sitting there
and like Matt is doing like,
way too much Jäger,
which is always a red flag.
Like when someone is like
rocking Jäger hard
like early in the night.
I was like,
“Okay, Matt.
That’s not what we planned on,
but…okay.”
So he’s just shredding it,
so she’s singing.
She’s singing…
at Caesar’s, like, in this
like VIP stage.
Fucking crowd is like,
“Yay!”
And fucking–
all of a sudden I’m like
in the booth like chilling,
like, “This is great.”
All of a sudden,
Matt…
just decides
to make a beeline
to grab her tits…
[laughing]
In the middle
of her performance.
He’s just like
“Walking Dead, season four,”
just fucking…
[laughs]
I was like,
“Woah!”
Security immediately
tackles him,
fucking haymaker,
fucking tackles him.
And fucking,
they like drag him like,
they’re like,
“Is this your buddy?”
I was like,
“No.”
[laughter]
Like, clearly I’m like,
“Fuck that!
Fucking asshole.”
So they fucking
take him out,
he gets thrown out
of the fucking club.
I stay, I’m chilling,
you what I mean?
I got fucking moves.
And, uh, and then so,
like, fucking 15 minutes later,
he’s back in the club.
I looked down,
and he’s shirtless.
And I was like,
“What the fuck?”
So I go downstairs
and like go–I’m like,
I go, “Matt…
you gotta go home.”
Like,
“You’re inappropriate.
“This isn’t cool.
“You’ve gotta to back
to the room, just…[whistles]
Sleep.
Sleep it off.”
He’s like, “All right, dude.
Fuck you!”
So he leaves.
So I fucking stay
another like hour.
Then I go back.
This is all fucking real.
I go back
in the casino lobby,
and Matt is out there
in fucking–
his briefs,
like tighty whities…
on the casino
fucking floor!
In fucking briefs!
Now he has
no fucking pants!
And I’m like,
“What?”
And he’s with a hooker.
And I’m like, “Hey, Matt.
You gotta go home.”
And the hooker was like,
“Hey, fuck you!
He’s with me!”
I was like,
“Why don’t you dial it down?
My buddy’s drunk.”
And she’s like,
“No, fuck that! Fuck you!
This is my
motherfucking man.”
And I was like,
“Um, okay.
“First of all,
nobody carries a wallet
“in their briefs,
so I don’t know how the fuck
you’re getting paid.”
I’m like,
“This is fucking…
“wallet’s in his asshole,
“and that’s your fetish,
go for it,
but he’s gotta go home.”
So I fucking pull him away,
and I get him–
I’m like,
“Go back to the fucking room,
dude.”
And then I, like,
I’m mad.
It was like one of those
Vegas things where I was like,
like I was like an adult.
[chuckles]
I was like,
I was like,
“Here’s the deal, man.
“Fucking be an adult.
“Like, you’re fucking
embarrassing.
“Handle your shit.
“All you do
is handle your shit.
“Just come,
be responsible, fucking–
“you just had to go
to a fucking party.
“Damn it!
“That’s all
you had to do.
“Go to your room!
“Go to sleep!
“Now!
Go to sleep!”
And he’s like,
“All right, man.
Sorry.
I fucked up.”
I’m like, “Yeah, you did,
motherfucker.
Big time.”
So then he left.
And then I went out.
[laughing]
And…
[laughs]
And I blacked out,
and then, uh…
[laughing]
And then these are
two things that happened:
I woke up,
my other friend called me.
He’s like,
“Where are you?”
I go,
“I’m at the Hard Rock.”
He’s like,
“Where are you?
We’re in the casino.”
I’m like,
“I’m under the guitar.”
[laughing]
So…if you know
the Hard Rock,
I was outside…
sleeping under the guitar
of the fucking Hard Rock,
on the lawn
outside
of the casino.
I was fucking sleeping.
Woke me up.
[babbling]
So he had to pick me up.
Then we go out
after that…
again.
I still went out.
Baller.
[laughing]
But no,
so we go out after that,
and we go to a club,
and fucking get
more hammered.
And then I black out,
and I’m not joking at all.
This is how I woke up.
I woke up in a room
at the Hard Rock,
and fucking…
there was a fucking…
[chuckles]
A chick blowing me
and my friend at the same time.
A different friend,
not my buddy Matt.
He was dead.
[laughing]
Blowing me and my friend
at the same time,
and I woke up to that
and I was like,
“What the fuck?
What’s happening?”
It was like the weirdest way
to wake up.
And then I look over,
and there is, um…
a little person.
Again, I’m not joking.
Um, fisting a chick
on a couch…
with cocaine
all over his face.
Literally, literally
fisting a chick.
And I look over,
I was like,
“What the fuck?”
[laughter]
“Oh, my God.”
And then
we made eye contact.
[laughter]
And he’s like fisting her.
And, you know, it’s…
[laughter]
You know what fisting is.
I don’t have
to explain it.
I don’t have to walk you through
that fucking…
And fucking–
he’s fisting a chick,
and he looks over at me,
and we make eye contact,
and he goes,
“Yeah!”
[laughing]
It was like…
[laughs]
And at that point,
I don’t know what to do,
so I was like,
“Yeah, dude.
I don’t fucking…
know what happened.”
But it was just
like the weirdest…
like, irony, you now,
me yelling at my friend, like,
“Hey, man.
You gotta fucking chill out.”
“You gotta fucking
handle your shit.
“Fucking adult.
It’s ridiculous.”
And I’m fucking…
“Yeah…”
What is happening?
And then the next day,
I like–
we, like, woke up, like,
and I saw him,
he was like,
“What did you end up
doing last night?”
I was like,
“Just fucking chill,
bro.
[laughter]
Nothing, dude.”
Fucking…
I couldn’t, like,
throw myself under the bus.
[laughing]
All right, anyway,
that’s the end of my story.
Thank you so much,
you guys.
[cheers and applause]
You guys are awesome!
[electronic music]

100 thoughts on “Nick Swardson – Plus One – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored”

  1. Wasn't funny
    I was in an Uber today
    The driver said I love my job
    "I'm my own boss"

    I laughed and then said turn right💯💯💯💯
    💪😲🔫😂🚲🚲🚲🚲

    I want my like 😲😇😂😂😂

  2. I replayed it one more time to count the number of "likes" and variations of "fucks".
    Like = 65 times. Fuck = 56 times. Damn. O_o

  3. Nick's funny.. he just had a bad set. If you did comedy you'd understand. All these judgemental ass motherfuckers on here would go up on stage and have a panic attack.

  4. Has Swardson ever actually been funny? The dude peaked in Grandmas Boy and has been doing the same shit ever since.

  5. Sorry Nick! You were the least funny of any of the standups I have seen on this show. You use the word fuck too much as well!

  6. I would NEVER be able to have small talk let alone an actual conversation with someone that says the F word soooo much.
    Common dude that much cussing shows a lack of intelligence, your brain has limited vocabulary. Sorry but it needed to be said lol

  7. he says fuckin like every sentence holy shit dude. the number of times he says it is funnier than the story itself

  8. Dude reminds me so much of Louis C.K

    His voice often sounds the same and he has the same delivery, tone of voice. Even those little snicker laughs occasionally sound the same.

  9. No hate on nick cause he's great but I'm bailing at the 5min mark cause his bombing is too cringe for me to handle

  10. That may had been SLIGHTLY funny had he left out 371 F-words! Judas priest, is he not smart enough to find another word!?

  11. It's IMPOSSIBILE to count out how many times he said "FUCK","FUCKIN" etc
    like why man WHY???, it lost its meaning, like that was A LOT!!!😂😅

  12. well there's a pole behind him and audience on all sides, i guess they shoot this shit at a strip club?

  13. “Don’t know how she’s a gay guy all the sudden “ coming from a guy that sounds like a gay guy. Hahaha

  14. why are all these comments im reading so negative? sounds like something that could happen, for sure on the west coast. nick swardson rocks! i enjoyed this bit, whether it was real or not, though really you guys, a lot of ya prolly never been there statistically speaking. its quite a scene, the whole coast really.

  15. I watched this the other day, and every time this guy said any derivative of 'fuck,' I took a shot.

    I'm still recovering from the hangover.

  16. Nick is funny but this was a bomb and chill out on the cursing like an 8th grader good grief. And can we cut the ridiculous intros??

  17. Dude fuck you guys nick is funny and he still has it he hasn’t changed how he does his comedy props to him for doing himself

  18. Aliens are so gay… and not in the way y’all sodomite enthusiasts think…they are horrible cuz they’re gay
    Oh s-**t! I jst realized that comment could b misinterpreted in thinking I was talkin bout Nick… I was talking bout the alien in the intro"…& gays! lol…(not all gays…OBVIOUSLY…jst most)

  19. he is so unbearably not funny and it makes it so much worse that he's trying to pretend that he's not gay

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