The Time Zack Morris Gave Himself A Homeless Girl For Christmas

The Time Zack Morris Gave Himself A Homeless Girl For Christmas

♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)
– [Narrator] It’s winter break at Bayside.
Jessie, Slater and Kelly
got jobs at the mall.
Lisa is volunteering at the hospital,
and Zack is sitting on his
lazy blonde ass eating cookies.
Zack is at the mall
bothering Slater and Jessie
at their jobs when he bumps into a girl.
She says she’s late for work,
which Zack hears as an
opportunity to stop her twice
and make fun of her for only
having an apple for lunch.
Screech had an accident with his new doll
and cleans up in the bathroom.
A nice stranger offers advice
on how to dry his pants faster.
Zack notices him shaving,
and tells Screech to check
out that homeless dude,
then scolds him for looking.
The homeless dude says he’s lightheaded
because he hasn’t eaten all day.
Zack continues to bother
him while he shaves,
then leaves a whopping
$3 behind in a payphone,
probably because he didn’t want
to touch his icky, homeless hands.
Zack wishes him a merry Christmas
with a smug grin on his face,
because $3 will definitely put
this guy’s life back on track.
Zack is roaming the mall,
hunting the girl who ran away from him,
and bothers Kelly at her job.
He finds his target, named Laura,
and offers to take her to lunch,
because he knows she
only has an apple to eat,
something he once again goofs on.
Laura’s considering lunch with
Zack, because she’s starving,
when Zack sees the homeless guy.
Zack lets everyone know how great he is
for giving him money earlier,
but adds he hopes he doesn’t spend
the $3 on wine or super-cheap heroin.
Laura says she’s lost her appetite.
Zack sees Laura in the food court.
He apologizes, saying he doesn’t know much
about the homeless and adds
that in his neighborhood,
the poor family is the one
that doesn’t have cable.
Zack asks Laura where she lives.
Laura says she lives with her dad.
He asks where, and Laura says
they’re currently moving,
and they move around a lot.
Zack asks what her dad does,
and Laura says her dad is between jobs.
Then an emaciated Laura
politely asks for a chip
before scarfing down a
whole bunch of chips.
Zack connects none of these dots
and makes fun of her for
eating so many chips.
Zack realizes he can make
Laura like him with food,
and buys her ice cream, then
takes her to Jessie’s job,
and cuts in front of a bunch of kids
to take a picture with Santa.
Santa asks Laura what
she wants for Christmas,
and she whispers some deeply
disturbing shit in his ear.
Zack asks what she said, and
before she can begin to say
she’s not sure she can tell him,
Zack hands her a candy cane,
more food, to put in her mouth,
so she can shut up about her problems.
Zack’s mom shows up, who
has the same blonde hair
to roots ratio as her son, and
mentions the Christmas play
she’s putting on at the mall.
Laura wants to be in the
play, but is hesitant about
asking for time off at
her job on her first day.
Zack tells her not to worry about it,
and it’s no big deal,
then, as she walks away,
makes a really creepy comment to his mom
that he finally knows what
he wants for Christmas.
Slater is struggling with
his job wrapping presents
when the friendly homeless man helps him.
He asks for some of the
scraps Slater throws away.
Slater generously gives him
a whole roll and some ribbon.
The homeless man staggers away,
takes two steps and collapses,
because apparently $3 with
a side of wrapping paper
isn’t part of a complete breakfast.
Laura asks her boss to be in the play.
He says no, because it’s
the busiest time of year.
Laura is upset because
Zack got her hopes up.
Zack mentions that homeless
guy from before passed out
and is at the hospital, but who cares,
because they need to get to the hospital
to help Lisa donate gifts to kids.
They give gifts to the kids,
then sing their way over to
that homeless guy who almost died.
They visit in full costume.
Zack takes off his Santa
beard out of respect.
Zack sees Laura, and still unable
to connect these huge
dots, asks why she’s there.
He’s her dad, you dingus.
To be continued.
Right now.
Laura’s dad, Frank, said
he passed out from hunger.
Zack gives him some of his
stale leftover cookies.
He invites them to his house for dinner,
because now he knows he can
get this hot homeless girl
to hang out with him using food.
He feeds Laura until
she can’t eat anymore,
and tells the weight that she put on
in the last hour looks great.
Zack’s mom thanks them from coming over
and says she appreciates having guests
that are different than usual.
Zack clarifies she means
they’re not used to guests
with big appetites who live at the mall.
Then Zack asks the fun
and super-polite question,
“So, how did you become homeless?”
The computer plant Frank
worked at went out of business,
and he’s had trouble
finding work ever since,
especially since he
doesn’t have nice clothes
for job interviews.
Zack uncomfortably looks at the floor
and says nothing after starting
this difficult conversation.
Zack begrudgingly helps his
mom set up for the play,
and complains the entire
time in a hideous sweater.
Zack sees Laura rushing
to work and stops her
to once again use food
to make her like him.
Laura sees a jacket at
the store she wants to buy
for her dad to wear to job interviews.
She asks for an advance on her paycheck.
Her boss says no.
Zack shows up to interrupt
Laura at her job, again,
in an outfit that’s still
not as dumb as that sweater.
He convinces Mr. Moody to
let Laura be in the play
by promising to double his business
with a mysterious whisper deal.
Kelly puts the jacket aside and says
she’s going to buy it later as a surprise.
The play is okay, it’s fine.
Whatever, who cares.
And Laura learns her lines
even though she just found out
she was in the play 10 seconds ago.
But Zack takes his mother’s nice play
about the meaning of
Christmas and turns it into
a big commercial for Mr.
Moody’s department store.
– Where are these clothes from?
– For the well-dressed miser,
the only place to shop is
Moody’s Store for Men.
– [Narrator] But I guess if you’re seeing
free theater in a mall,
you get what you pay for.
Mr. Moody sees the missing coat,
and assumes Laura stole
it because she’s homeless.
He threatens to call the cops,
and she runs her hungry ass away.
The gang splits up to
find Laura and Frank,
and they finally leave the mall
for the first time in nine days.
Zack and his mom find them in a car
outside of a Christmas tree lot
and invite them into their home.
Mr. Moody gives Laura
the jacket as an apology,
and Zack’s parents offer to
let them live at their house
until they’re back on their feet.
Laura says she doesn’t
know how to thank them.
Zack suggests sexual favors.
It’s a Christmas miracle.
Laura and her dad have a place to stay
until Frank gets a job, only
we never see them ever again,
because they probably
fucking killed themselves,
or starved to death.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Let’s review:
Zack Morris harassed
a stranger at the mall
and made her feel bad about her lunch,
made a bathroom spectacle
out of a homeless man
minding his business, then
thought $3 would change his life,
and felt great about giving him the $3,
even though he was pretty
sure he’d spend it on drugs,
used food to get a hungry
girl to spend time with him,
cut in front of all these kids
waiting to take a picture with Santa,
and when that homeless guy passed out,
he thought it would be fun to visit him
dressed as Santa Claus,
then invited the homeless man
to his parents’ nice house
to comment on his daughter’s weight
and make him talk about
why he became homeless,
turned his mother’s Christmas play
into a department store commercial,
and told this homeless girl
she should hook up with him
because of his parents’
generous invitation
and because she has
nowhere else to live now.
Ho-ho-holy shit.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)

100 thoughts on “The Time Zack Morris Gave Himself A Homeless Girl For Christmas”

  1. “hopes he doesnt spend the money on super cheap heroin” damn if u could get heroin for $3 the whole damn country and their dog would be on it. not that its actually expensive in the first place tho lmfao

  2. Trading food for sex is a time honored tradition amongst warlords, government thugs, and bad rich people. The most recent prominent example is in Venezuela.

  3. Zack was actually pretty decent in this episode. Funny or die went too far about it. Zack gave the guy $3. Good thing.
    Zack asked her out like a gentleman. Good thing.
    Zack made a little joke about the way she was eating when he already knew that she was homeless. You would think it would be a bad thing, but she ended up laughing about it as well, so basically not really bad since she wasn't offended by it.
    When you say that Zack uses food to make her like him, you're clearly delusional.
    Zack felt good about himself for feeding her, but who wouldn't feel good after feeding the homeless? Bottom line…
    Zack Morris was mostly good in this episode.

  4. I just love how you keep deducing that one off characters commit suicide all because they interacted with Zack Morris.

  5. I never thought of asking for a kiss on the cheek as a "sexual favor".
    It gives a new meaning to all those cheek kisses my grandma asked me for.

  6. I loved this, but I think this was one of the VERY few episodes where Zack wasn’t actually being a trash human.

    Obviously this is comedic and applies exaggerated context, but this really wasn’t one of the better episodes to highlight Zacks MANY shortcomings, as a lot of these conclusions are HARD reaches.

  7. Not a a bad episode, but Zack was not nearly as trashy as he could have been, but I will let it slide cuz it's a Christmas episode.

  8. I have to admit, in Zack's favor, a sentence i never ever thought I would say, Zack exhibits something in this episode that almost looks like the very sketchy outline of empathy for another human being.

  9. Because when the narrator comes across a homeless person, he doesn't give the homeless person $3. He gives the homeless person a house. 🙄

  10. WTF…part of growing up is figuring out what's right and wrong…Zack is COOL the guy who makes this show has a SMALL PETER!!

  11. Seems to me, you probably don't intimately know very many homeless people. Growing up I was a punk, and all my friends were punks. the homeless were our older siblings. They bought us booze, drank with us, and dun dun, offered us drugs, all the time. almost every homeless person ive ever met, and that's a lot.

    This one time me and my friends were helped by a homeless dude, we ended up running from some muggers on train tracks with two of my friends, when we heard someone say get off the tracks and signaled us to climb the fence. We found what seemed like the hobbit hole from hell, if hell was made out of pabst blue ribbon boxes. He sheltered us in his beer box hut for a few hours, which was a house made out of beer boxes that connected to a fence and a bridge pillar.

    First thing he asked us, "Got any weed? I can tell yall are gutter punks, im a hippy, peace and love."

    We were kids in high school so we were like, nope but can we have beer please?

    and they always gave us beer.

  12. Well in zacks defense the dollar was strong AF in the 90s era this takes place in and $3 then was like $20 now.. Cost of living going up every year and everything..

  13. I cried I laughed so hard especially at the end when she told Zack she didn’t know how to repay him and being such a sexual favors! Lol

  14. Ehh not the best example for this series I think these episodes were the most non trashy Zach had ever been

  15. I can't believe I'm saying it, but this is one time where he was an alright guy. How many times have YOU fed the homeless? Probably zero.

  16. I remember this episode the message was to be nice to people less fortunate hahahah to compliment her on the weight she put on in the last hour lmfao

  17. Lmao, this episode is the best one by far. Every second I was lmaoit. That ending line about being full of ho ho holy shit got me in tears.

  18. This show tried their best to write Slater is a misogynist but Slater is one of the most respectable characters of the group. Even in the later episodes and movie. Kelly would have been better off marrying Slater.

  19. I can't believe I never realized what a piece of shit Zack was. I'm watching all these reviews and I can't help but think how terrible the 90s were.

  20. Zach killed the homeless during rough sex then had kill her father leavin know to worry about the homeless girl 🤣🤣

  21. They didn’t kill themselves…in fact none of the people that are never heard from again have killed themselves. They’ve all been murdered off screen by the psychopathic scumbag serial killer known as Zach Morris.

  22. The "probably fucking killed himself" line is pretty fucking annoying and stupid. You're not that funny fucker.

  23. The didn't disappear! They went to the same place as Kristi the big girl and Stacy the wrestler and the girl in the wheelchair!

  24. This used to be my favorite saved by the bell episode lmao… before I realized Zack Morris is trash of course

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