The Unbelievably Hilarious Amy Schumer

The Unbelievably Hilarious Amy Schumer

– Why don’t you move here, and
then you’d have a bigger place?
Do you like it here?
– But–[sighs]
I mean,
I don’t fit in here–
just straight up body type.
Like, in L.A.,
my arms register as legs.
They’re just like–
They’re like,
“Why is that octopus on Sunset?”
“Is that–”
It’s not–
it’s not for me out here.
– No?
– It’s not, no.
But I–you know.
– What do you do when
you’re here?
– I cry.
I just sit in my room…
No, I–
Well, last time I was here,
right from the show,
I got courtside tickets
to a Laker game.
– That’s fun.
– Yeah, ’cause my–
my business agent thought
I was mad at him
for sexually harassing me.
– Well–
– But no, I’m 33,
so I’m just starting to really
appreciate that,
you know what I mean?
– I see, I see.
– Well, it’s true.
I can’t speak for everyone.
I’m not like
“Sexually harass–“
but, in your 20s,
I feel like you walk around–
like you’ll walk past
a construction site,
and be kind of like,
“Oh, don’t look–“
But then, in your 30s, you know,
I’m just like,
“What about this?”
“Like, how about–”
It’s like my skirt’s over
my head.
I’m like, “Aah.”
They’re like, “We’re eating.”
But, uh–
It changes, it really does.
It changes, so–
So I got courtside seats,
which–you’ve sat courtside
at a game, right?
– I have, yeah.
– I thought–I went–
I thought it would be
free booze.
It’s not, it’s not.
I guess you have to be on
the team to get free booze.
– [laughs]
– I go, I get randomly seated
next to Dianna Agron.
You know, the actress.
She was on “Glee.”
She played the cheerleader,
I mean, that lets you know
how hot she is.
Yeah–oh, there we go.
There’s the picture.
Thanks for–yes.
Isn’t that great?
She’s like–
the most gorgeous girl ever.
Her name was “Quinn”
on that show.
To pull off that name?
– Yeah.
– Like if my name were “Quinn”
on a show,
they’d be like, “Oh, the jolly
Irish groundskeeper, that–“
“Does a jig time and again,”
you know.
But so she’s there.
Is she not like an angel?
So–and the whole night,
she’s like,
She’s like this…
’cause she knows people are
taking pictures of her.
I obviously don’t.
I learned a lot.
I learned that my resting face,
is just a scowl, is just–
And I learned–and you can see–
that I have what I’m now calling
an “at-risk chin.”
This is not a good section!
If I–if I don’t,
like keep it at sea level,
it just doubles itself, just–
I become the dinosaur in
the jeep in “Jurassic Park,”
just “Fff!”
So I’m like–no idea people are
taking pictures.
I’m pounding red wine,
and I–
I thought it was free–
and I–
I get red wine teeth right out
the gate, you know?
just first sniff of merlot,
just “True Blood” mouth.
I look like I’ve been feeding,
and I’m eating popcorn,
the way I think we all
eat popcorn, which is–
you know, at first, don’t you
always kind of start out
kind of like lying to yourself?
Like, “I don’t know,
I’ll have a little.”
Like one piece at a time,
you know?
And then–and then, like,
you get a little more real.
and then eventually,
you just–you get “real” real.
And just “gah!”
Like, I’ve split my lip trying
to get one more kernel–
It’s true.
In my dumb mouth.
It is true.
– [laughing hard]
– And so that’s what happened.
If you Google me, it’ll be–
And I–I look like her,
I look like her if she were
stung by a million bees.
It’s true!
I look like her if she were,
like, becoming the Hulk.
And she–you know,
she wanted to be friends,
and I’m like, “I can’t.
I can’t.
We don’t have–
we’re not the same thing.”
Like she was telling me
hot people problems, you know.
She’s like,
“He won’t stop calling.”
And I’m like,
“[whine], I hate that.”
Do you eat popcorn like that,
Are you a popcorn lover?
– Yeah, I do.
And I eat it exactly like that.
– Right?
– Yes.
– I mean, that’s why–
I’m so annoyed–
I’m single again,
so I’m going to have to start
dating some guy,
and we’ll go to the movies
and he’ll be like,
“Do you want to get popcorn?”
and I have to be like,
“Oh, I hadn’t even thought
about it.”
He’s like, “What size?”
and I’m like,
“[giggles] A small.
Look at me.”
Right, like a small popcorn?
That’s like taking one Advil.
Like, “get outta here.”
“Get–I want a trough.
And I want to dunk my head
in it.”
And–and then, you know.
I’ll be pretending not
to think about the popcorn.
– Hilarious.
So when you say
you’re gonna start dating again,
that means that you’re–
are you dating at all?
– No, I, um–
Well, I know everyone here
is like, “How do we date you?”
Thank you.
You can’t, and not just ’cause
I’m not totally out of the woods
with this UTI I have right now,
but also–
but also–
Thank you.
[laughter and applause]
Oh, my God.
[laughter and applause]
No, but I’m not on any
dating websites.
I don’t–I’m on–I have one,
like, app on my phone
that’s kind of–
it’s called “Foodspotting.”
And it’s like Tinder, but
for food, so, it lets me know–
– Is this real?
– This is totally real.
It lets–they let you know about
food in your area.
So, like, this week in L.A.,
I was eyeing this one particular
And uh–
Under a mile away.
Probably not.
So, I’m like, “Should I go?”
And my friends are like, “Go!
Like, check it out!”
So I went to the scone, and
I kind of just sidled up to it,
and I was like, “Oh, my God, you
look just like your picture.”
So I’m kind of dating.
Kind of dating.
– It’s different than that.
You should–
Oh, my God.
– It’s pretty much
the same exact thing.
– Hilarious.
It’s almost exactly the same.
– Yeah.

100 thoughts on “The Unbelievably Hilarious Amy Schumer”

  1. Interesting that Ellen does not know what to do Amy Schumer, but I'm glad Amy kept going, she was really funny.

  2. dear beautiful soul reading this, God loves you and He has amazing blessings and gifts for you! you are beyond loved❤️🙏🏻

  3. Where all my Amy haters at making the same tired joke about the title of the clip?! Oh there you all are, and you brought friends. Time to move onto Sarah Paulson and Ali Wong!

  4. Look at all the dopes here chastising Ellen for laughing. You think Ellen's laugh is fake? It isn't, and when a comedian can make another comedian laugh like that you know it's good.

  5. If anyone doubts the passive aggressive title… call me a conspiracy theorist, but the line they chose to end this video on… spoken by Ellen… was "its almost exactly the same."

  6. Everyone be writing how Amy is so lame but I generally laughed and thought she's really funny! I enjoyed this!

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