Tom Segura – Meeting Bruce Bruce – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Tom Segura – Meeting Bruce Bruce – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

[cheers and applause]
All right.
I don’t know if you guys
know this or not,
but comedians’ lives
are lonely.
It’s a lonely existence.
I mean,
you’re in airports and hotels
and cities with strangers
every week.
It gets lonely.
Like, it really does.
Like, you can only masturbate,
so many times
before you’re like,
“I’ve got to get something
to eat,” you know?
it’s one of those things.
You’ve got to find something
to boost you up.
You know what’s
the biggest boost?
The biggest spark
when you’re on the road
is actually running into
another comedian.
It’s the best.
I can’t even describe it to you.
It’s the one thing
that you’re like, “Yes.”
If it’s a comedian
you already know,
it’s like a reunion.
And if it’s a comedian
you’ve never met,
“There’s so much excitement
at the potential.”
“Oh, is he gonna be weird?
“Is he gonna be hilarious?
Is it gonna be hilarious
how weird he is?”
But there’s so much there.
You know, it’s how I imagine
serial killer feel
when they meet each other
the first time.
They’re like, “You know,
you do it differently
“than the way I do it,
but I totally respect
“your commitment to the craft.
you keep their toes in jars.
That’s nuts.
That’s awesome.”
So I’m at the airport,
and I’m waiting to board
a flight,
and who do I see at the gate
boarding the same flight?
The comedian Bruce Bruce.
Now, if you don’t know
who Bruce Bruce is,
super successful comic,
had TV shows.
He sells out clubs
and theaters everywhere.
He’s awesome.
And I’ve never met him.
I see him at the gate,
and I’m like,
“I’m gonna go talk
to Bruce Bruce.”
And then I go,
“No, you’re not.
Bruce Bruce doesn’t want
to talk to you.”
So I don’t say anything.
And then we board the flight,
and I get upgraded.
and now, who is sitting directly
across the aisle from me?
Bruce Bruce.
Now I can’t help myself.
Now I have to say something.
So I introduced myself
to Bruce Bruce.
Now, for this to really
make sense to you,
if you don’t know who he is,
I have to paint a picture, okay?
Bruce Bruce is black,
he has dreads,
and he’s a big boy,
all right?
when you say your name twice,
there’s a lot of you.
Bruce Bruce is, like,
4 bills, okay?
I made name myself Tom Tom
if I gain another 100 pounds.
I’m sitting across the aisle
from Bruce Bruce,
and I introduce myself,
and he could not be nicer.
Just to give you an idea
of his status,
we’re at the gate on this plane,
and the flight attendant
that we’re stuck at the gate,
and she says,
“You can get off
if you want to.
“Just take your boarding pass
with you.
And then you can get back on.”
So as I’m talking to him
and they say that, I go,
“I’m not getting off,”
and he goes,
“I’m not getting off,”
and then a woman,
a passenger from the back
of the plane walks up.
and she leans down to him,
and she goes,
“I’m getting off ; is there
anything you want or need?”
And he goes,
“I would love some candy.”
And she goes,
And he goes, “Twix, Skittles,
shit like that.”
And then she gets off the plane,
and I go, “Who is that?”
And he goes,
“I don’t know.”
And I’m like, “Are strangers
buying you candy?”
And he goes, “Yeah.”
Like, that’s Bruce Bruce status,
So we keep talking.
We kind of start talking
about gigs that we’ve done,
and we start talking
about comedians and who’s funny.
Who are
the funniest comics ever?
And we start literally listing
comedians through time.
Like, we start with, like,
Lenny Bruce and Dick Gregory,
and we talked about George
Carlin and Richard Pryor,
all the way through Eddie Murphy
and into today, you know,
Kevin Hart and Dave Attell.
And then Kevin Bruce Bruce says,
“That’s all good,
but do you know who the funniest
cat of all time is?”
I think it’s a setup.
I think he’s just gonna be like,
“It’s me, bitch.
I’m the funni”–
like, it’s like that, right?
That’s what I think
it’s gonna be.
And I’m gonna let him have it.
So I go, “No,” like, “Who’s
the funniest cat of all time.”
And he goes Andy Griffith.
And I go, “What?”
And he goes,
“Andy Griffith.”
And I go,
“Are you talking about, like…”
“That dude?”
And he goes,
“Yeah, you ever been to
the Andy Griffith Museum
And I go,
“What kind of question is that?
No, of course not, man, like…
Is that real?”
And he goes,
“They have the car
that he used to sit in,
“and you can sit in it too.
And you can touch shit
that he used to touch.”
And he goes,
“Did you ever see episode 215
ofThe Andy Griffith Show?”
And I go, “No, ass burgers,
I didn’t see episode 215.”
And he goes,
“That’s my favorite episode.
It originally aired
March 13, 1967.”
And I go, “Are you [bleep]ing
with me right now?”
And he goes…
“No, it was March 13, 1967.”
And then he ate Twix,
and he didn’t talk to me
for the rest of the flight,
but I am begging you,
if you ever see Bruce Bruce
walking around, sitting down
at a show, anywhere,
just go and be, “Hey, man,
Andy Griffith is the shit,”
and he’ll be like,
“I know!
I’ve been saying that shit!”
And he’ll lose his mind.
That’s it for me.
You guys are the best.
[cheers and applause]

100 thoughts on “Tom Segura – Meeting Bruce Bruce – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored”

  1. The upside of the YouTube Rabbit Hole (you know where you seem to ALWAYS end up watching those zit popping videos at three in the morning) – I stopped this video to find Bruce Bruce stand-up cause I'd never heard of him. And spent 45 minutes laughing my ass off. Thank you, Tom Segura.

  2. I googled bruce bruce and he was ahead of bruce buffer!🖒…..shiiiiiiiii! Go bruce!!!!! I bet micheal buffer is ahead of both bruces! 😬"IIIIIIIIIITS TIIIIIIIIIIMMMMME!……

  3. What I like about Tom Segura is his stories but mainly the delivery, he tells every joke like he can’t believe this happened to him. That’s what makes it so funny to me

  4. If you look that scared with a pack of trained wolves running after you, you've never experienced a dog at least 75 percent of your weight coming at you head down, teeth bared. Just saying. I didn't run like a bitch.

  5. He said Bruce Bruce and the crowd turned to crickets, he had no choice but to briefly explain, that is so sad and I am assuming no one knew who he was

  6. Most his "Crowd" Doesn't really Know BRUCE Bruce but WE Do!! it's like Kathy Griffith had 2 Explain 2 Her people who KAT Williams was!

  7. "They have the car that he used to sit in and you can sit in it too and you can touch it… that he used to touch" LMAO the stutter before that last part is fucking perfect

  8. Just came to see how many folks were upset that he called Bruce Bruce a big “boy” rather than just a big “ dude”, “guy”, or “man”?

  9. This is too funny.. Bruce Bruce came into my job a few years ago(Truck Stop) and bought nothing but Candy and Soda. Super Cool Dude.

  10. Not a very funny story Tom Segura, you must have a few funnier stories than that. I hope you do, damn bro, such hype attached to your name and what a let down.

  11. I like Tom very much, but he's mistaken. Andy Griffith WAS the "shit". Very under rated now. Not back in the day though.

  12. For those of you who don't know who Bruce Bruce is, you may have never watched BET before.

  13. i felt like my family is the only who watched andy griffith because no one ever knows what i’m talking about

  14. “You keep their toes in jars? That’s 🥜. That’s awesome.”

    I fucking love The Andy Griffith Show. Grew up watching it with my dad(I’m only 28 btw). Aunt B is my arch nemesis. She accidentally lets Opie’s bird out and let’s him think it was his fault. Pure cunt in my book. And no one likes your pickles bitch! Stop guilting these sweet men into eating your shitty ass nasty pickles. Ugh fuckin’ Aunt B, you fuckin’ bitch..I HAAAAATE you!

  15. I love Tom, have had the pleasure of seeing him work out some material at the hollywood improv I hope to one day get that comfortable in the meantime would love y'alls feedback on my first standup set:

  16. I work at a comedy club. And Bruce Bruce always rips on me. He spent a weekend getting at me because was in the front serving, so I was an easy target. And he always just had something good to say. I was fine with this…because it was fun and funny. After the weekend he caught me in the hallway…shook my hand…and said, "Thank you for being a good sport." I was shocked of the geniune kindness in this, as it's understood in the comedy club as etiquette to take comic banter with a grain of salt. But that moment really stood out to show what an amazing person he is. I was like, "You can pick on me any time you want, your BRUCE BRUCE!" He just smiled and went on with his day.

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